Funny Dad Jokes About Wives | Wife Humor Collection

Introduction

Welcome to the ultimate collection of dad jokes about wives that are guaranteed to earn you both groans and giggles from your better half! If you’ve been married long enough, you know that laughter is not just medicine – it’s marriage insurance.

These classic one-liners and puns celebrate the wonderful, sometimes puzzling, always entertaining dynamics of married life. From the mysterious disappearance of TV remotes to the eternal battle over thermostat settings, these jokes capture those universal marriage moments we all experience.

Dad jokes might be notoriously corny, but there’s something endearing about their simplicity and clean humor that makes them perfect for lightening the mood after a disagreement or bringing a smile during mundane everyday moments.

So whether you’re a husband looking to expand your joke repertoire, a wife collecting ammunition for the perfect comeback, or just someone who appreciates the art of the perfectly timed pun, this collection of marriage-themed dad jokes is your treasure trove of relationship humor.

Remember, a successful marriage requires falling in love many times… always with the same person – and occasionally with their terrible jokes!

A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, “Did you see me rob this bank?” The man stammered, “Yes.”Bang! The robber shoots him.He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, “Did you see me rob this bank?”The husband quickly responds, “No….but my wife did!”
Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace panties. “Since when do you wear womens pants?” “Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!”
After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m Out Of Jail, I Can Honestly Say It Was Worth It!
One of my wife’s primary School’s student was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?” “No,” said the little girl. “I wear this for Mum so she can show Dad when he gets home.”
Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!” That’s M’Shell on my back
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Hanukkah. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his says, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
“So, Are you a team player or a one man army?” I tried team playing, but my boss kicked me out of his bedroom and told me to leave his wife untouched.
Nsfw A surprise for dinner My wife asked what I’d like to have for dinner when I got home from work. I told her to surprise me. She said “I’m sleeping with your sister.”
Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blow job would help. She asked me where I was going to find a cock to suck at this time of night.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
My wife is just like her toothbrush. On my ass every day for no good reason.
Bob the Builder: Can we fix it? Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: Please, just sign the papers Robert…
What did the fisherman tell his amorous wife? Not tonight, honey, I’ve got a haddock.
My wife is a forensic crime scene investigator, but she refuses to get pregnant. No one puts baby in a coroner.
…well darn I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.
I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation. She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”
My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.
My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.
One fine day Husband : Today is a fine day.Annoyed wife : Wh do you keep saying ‘Today is a fine day’ every day?Husband : You had said it once, “One fine day, I’ll leave this house”..
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
Wife : How dare you saved my mobile number as Covid 19 Husband : Because you take my breath away!
My brother went to prison after robbing a bank but the police never found the money. He managed to get access to a cellphone and kept sending me cryptic messages about where he hid the money. Eventually, I found it. When my wife asked me how I found it, I explained:“I followed the con-text clues.”
Pig A man walks up to his wife with a duck under his arm and says”This is the pig I’ve been fucking”Wife says “that’s not a pig, that’s a duck”Husband says “I wasn’t talking to you”
I was having dinner with my boss His wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow. My favourite Tim Vine Joke
“Your wife and daughter look like twins,” my friend said. “Well,” I replied, “they were separated at birth.”
my wife got mad at me after picking out baby names… she like it for the first week then it clicked for her… i said Peter Brian Johnson for a baby boy and Veronica Jessica Johnson for a baby girl…
When you listen to rock backwards you hear satanic messages, what do you get when you listen to country music backwards? Your wife back, your life back, and your dog back.
Conversation between me and my wife during stay home period. Her: Would you like anything to eat for dinner? Me: What are my choices? Her: “Yes” or “No”.
My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”
People whose jobs require them to enter someone else’s house, such as plumbers and electricians, what is the weirdest thing you’ve seen at a customer’s house? My wife.
A couple gets into an argument… The next day when the wife comes home, she sees her husband has covered himself in oil.”What are you doing?””Well,” he says, “Yesterday you told me I never glisten.”*”Listen,”* the wife says exasperatedly. “You never *listen!”*
My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis.” I replied, “That’s 15 love.”
My brother was pissed at me when he found out I mated his wife He bet $100 she would beat me in a game of chess.
I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”
Wife: All I’m saying is that vaccines are more dangerous then the diseases they prevent! Husband: did you know that the skin your lips are made of is the same as your asshole?Wife: What does that have to do with anything?!Husband: Well, it explains why everything that comes out of your mouth is complete shit.
My wife found out I was cheating My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding…She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me ever again!!
Today my wife showed me all about the 50 Shades of Gray. Then we picked one. Now I have to paint the bedroom.
My wife and I share a sense of humour… Coz we have to…She doesn’t have one.
Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm, And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!
I was on holiday in Germany with the wife …and we went to a cafe. After taking our order the young fraulein asked us “Ist das alles?”I replied, “Nein, das ist Sandra.”
My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.
Mother In Law A husband and wife had a fight.Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!
My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”
My wife has only one problem: she can’t tell the difference between Geology and Geography Either way, she can still rock my world.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.
My wife just looked at me and pointed to a pea on her plate, she said I found it on the table behind my plate She said it was an esca-pea
Today, my wife apologised to me for the first time ever…She said, she’s sorry she ever married me.
Why did the Mexican man tie his wife to the train tracks? Because he wanted tequila!
Today, my wife was told by the pediatrician that our 18 month old son isn’t talking much because he doesn’t want to. I could’ve told her that.
A samurai’s wife asks him to go down on her He responded it’s Bushydo
My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them. I said I’ll tell you where you can plant your tulips.
Please stop making jokes about COVID! I lost both my parents in law due do this pandemic. My wife divorced me after i spend our holiday budget on a PS5 and a collection of NERF guns
I told my wife I wanted her to spread my ashes for traction when the back porch gets icy That way she can put me to work and step on me one last time.
Where’s John? Ted: Hey Joe, why ain’t John working with us today?Joe: He’s in the hospital.Ted: That’s impossible, I saw him just yesterday dancing with a stripper!Joe: Yeah, his wife saw him too…
Judge, “on what grounds do you want a divorce?” Husband “my wife is out all night, every night! From bar to bar, almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every fucking day!!”Judge “You mean to say she’s severely Alcoholic and cheats on you everyday?”Husband “No, She’s out looking for Me!!”
A man turns to his wife and says: “Honey, pack your bags because I won the lottery.” She asks: “Do I take summer clothes or winter clothes?” He replies: “Take it all, go away.”
“Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it… We had some drinks, cool guy, wants to be a web developer. “
What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery? “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!
A man asks to his wife: why are you ironing the bra’s if nothing is behind it? A man asks to his wife: why are you ironing the bra’s if nothing is in it?The woman answers: i also iron your underpants right?
My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action. So I expanded the kitchen.
Since my wife left, I’ve bought a motorcycle, drugs and am currently in bed with two prostitutes. She’s going to be pissed off when she comes home from work.
My wife told me she didn’t understand cloning. I told her, “That makes two of us.”
After an extremely tense argument with my wife, the house was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. Things got a lot worse, when I saw the grenade flying towards me.
Whst should a man call a wink from his wife ? Wife eye connection.
My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her… Putting her mind at ease I reassured her it’ll be womb temperature.
After seeing my new tattoo, my angered wife retaliated by getting a breast reduction… tit for tat.
I found out my wife was having an affair with the butcher. I walked into his shop and said to him, “Who told you you could sleep with my wife?” He said, “Everybody.”Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I were watching a man push a shopping cart with a ladder in it down the road. My wife said to me “do you think he asked to borrow the cart or did he just steal it,” I replied “probably the ladder.”
My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up
I went into a bar and said to the bartender, “Surprise me…” So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. ~Rodney Dangerfield
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
Nurse: “We need a stool sample and a urine sample.” Man to wife: “What did she say?” Wife to husband: “They want your underwear.”
Husabnd and wife A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.” The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”
A man placed an advertisement, “Wife wanted”. The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine
When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my Dad said, “Well have you tried euthanasia?”In the background I could hear my Mom yell, “For the last time Henry, it’s pronounced ‘Echinacea’! Echinacea’!!!!
I think my wife’s showing symptoms of Alzheimers. She’s telling me everyday that she can’t remember what she saw in me that made her marry me.
Bob gets home and tells his wife he just got a parking ticket for $2,000. She says “$2,000? Where the hell did you park?”“On a person.”
My wife gives me head every Monday. She won’t let any of Sunday’s roast chicken go to waste.
Why did the Tortoise’s wife leave him for the Rabbit? Real men come second.
A man enters into his bedroom with a goat in his hands. His wife is reading a book when the man suddenly says: ‘See, this is the cow I am having sex with when you have a headache.’ Wife puts the book down and says:’ Are you stupid? That is a goat, not a cow.”I’ve been talking to the goat’
So Robert Frost and his wife are lost in the woods Robert Frost remarks to his wife “We’ve got miles to go before we sleep”And his wife replies “Well maybe if we hadn’t taken the road less traveled by we’d be there already”
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.
I went to visit my wife in hospital, and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.
Two old guys chatting. First guy: The wife and I fuck like rabbits every night.Second guy: You lucky bastard, I get it once a month, and I call it the Bruce Lee night.First guy: Why the fuck do you call it that for?Second guy: Because it’s the night I enter the dragon.
NSFW: My wife suggested bringing toys into the bedroom to spice things up. So I fisted her with hulk hands.
Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.
I haven’t talked to my wife in a week — I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Wife: can you pick up milk? Guy: *lifts gallon* Yeah it’s easyWife: I mean from the store Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.” He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”
My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don’t worry, I’ll return.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear At least that’s what I think she was saying
My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.
“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”
Have you ever tried drinking so much alcohol, your wife makes sense? Me neither, but I keep trying…
I said to my wife “You are my drug” She said: “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”I replied: “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”
My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I’m a detective I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way
“I thought my wife was joking when she said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop signing “”I’m A Believer””… Then I saw her face. “
Man was reading his wife’s suicide note Then he thought he could be a wonderful writer
It was extremely difficult to switch off my mother in law’s life support system. I had to fight the doctor, my wife, and her siblings to finally do it.
My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. I don’t know why she’s mad at me.
I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got were Icy Stares.
Before our night out, my wife said that she didn’t want me to get dressed up. No point arguing with her.So I slipped into my suit and tie while lying on the floor.
My wife and I have ,after a long discussion, decided we don’t want children. We’re telling them tomorrow.
A guy’s credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it. Cop: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card before now?Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?Guy: I think the thief’s wife started using it.
My wife always complains when I use her toothbrush If somebody can tell me of a better way of getting shit stains off the back of the toilet bowl I’m all ears.-Jimmy Carr
“My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort. “
When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.
What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
Employees calls his boss to tell him he can’t come in for work today because he is sick. The boss tells the employee “Whenever I get sick, I have sex with my wife. Maybe try that?”Later that day, the employee calls his boss and said “Thanks for the tip! I feel so much better now! Also, you have a nice house!”
So the other day I said to me wife – you know seems like these days we only have Social Security sex.” She gives me a strange look – “Social Security sex?”I said “Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.
“When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down. “
My wife just accused me of having zero sense of empathy. I have no idea how she can feel that way.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!
My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.
[NSFW] My wife is like a bottle of wine I have to keep the cork wet or else she’ll spoil.
My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…
Wife – I have changed my mind. Husband – Have you gotten a working one now?
Made love to my wife for 64 minutes last night Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
Your wife and daughter look like twins, my friend said. Well, I replied, they were separated at birth.
Peter sat at his dying wife’s bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. “Pete darling,” she breathed, “I’ve a confession to make before I go… I… I’m the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government.” “Don’t give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?” answered Peter.
pancakes Psychiatrist: What brought you here? Patient: My wife sent me here because I like pancakes. Psychiatrist: There’s nothing wrong with that, I like pancakes, too. Patient: Excellent! Come to my place, I have seven suitcases full of them!
My local cemetery is working to resell mine and my wife’s burial plots to a new buyer… We’re in grave danger
Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture….. But when I got home, the tables were turned
These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages. Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.
What do you call it when a symphony musician hits his wife? Domestic violins.
My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.
I told my wife to hurry up and get off of her period. So she can get on my exclamation mark.
If being cool was illegal I’d be a criminal not because I’m cool but because I shot my wife
I asked my wife to set the alarm clock for six … She asked “why six? There‘s only the two of us here.”(hat tip: Spike Milligan)
Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!
“My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of stuff. It is enough to make a mango crazy. “
Family had no money left, so the husband sent his wife to work the streets. She came home in the morning, and her husband asked:”How much did you make?”“$804” she said“Which idiot gave you $4 ???” he asked“Well… everyone…”
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. Ha! That’s not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. It’s the only way I can see the numbers.
I got a bit bored on a long highway drive and started scrolling through the various voice choices on my GPS. There was a USA accent, a French accent and even an Australian accent. Then I noticed “Wife mode”. So I selected it, and nothing seemed to happen, until about 10 miles later the GPS said,”So, if I died, would you get a new GPS?””
Husband is reading Indecent Proposal review during breakfast and asks his wife: *honey would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?* Wife: *where am I going to get that kind of money*
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns.
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.
A man tells his wife “you’ve been watching the food channel for years and you’re still one of the worst cooks I know…” “Honey,” she replies, “for how many years you’ve been watching porn?”
A joke I made up 20 min ago Me: “I’m going to tie a bell on the tip of my penis!”Wife: “WTF!?! Why?!”Me: “I know it’ll be kind of annoying at first, but trust me, it’ll become a-dick-ting!”
What do a Hurricane and a wife have in common? One day it is wet and exciting and the next day your house is gone.
Me: I can’t do pull-ups or push-ups Wife: But you can do a lot of fuck-ups
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes….she gave me a hug.
A policeman knocked at my door….. I answered and he said “Mr. Smith? it’s your wife, I’m afraid it looks like she’s been in an accident.”I said “I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook.”
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!
My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine’s day and I didn’t …. ….. and she’s so proud of me, she’s taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don’t know what the pistol and the shovel are for though.
The man was standing naked in front of the mirror, “just 5 more centimeters… 5 more centimeters and I could’ve been the king” From the door, his wife giggled. ” Just 5 less centimeters and you could’ve been the queen instead”
Which one doesn’t belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job? The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can’t beat a blow job.
My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
What happens when your uncle’s wife tells you a joke? It becomes an anti-joke.
Tired of me constantly pretending to be a detective, my wife has said that she wants us to split up… I told her it was a good idea.We can cover more ground that way…
My wife replaced the burned out bulb in the bathroom. Ever since then I have been seeing myself in a new light.
My wife told me she didn’t understand cloning. I told her, That makes two of us.
A man is walking along the road when he sees his mother in law being attacked by five men. His wife asks, “Aren’t you going to help?”. The man says no five should be enough.
My wife arranged the plates by color and size… It’s a rare dish order
Police: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card? Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple Sorry, wrong thread
Two Japanese people get married. They have a baby boy.A few years later the wife and child both get the same illness. So the husband takes his wife and child to the hospital.He asks the doctor: “What’s wrong with Mii?”The doctor replies: “The same thing that is wrong with Yew.”
I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.
I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn’t prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby. Or at least that’s what my mailman said
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
My wife is really self-conscious about how thick her eyebrows are I told her she’s crazy; most women would kill for *half* her eyebrows
I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”
I had to go to the doctors’ yesterday, because every time I 69 the wife I get a terrible headache after a couple of minutes. He suggested we do it lying down.
Saw an old friend yesterday. As a joke I grabbed his hand and made him hit him self while I joked, “Why are you hiring yourself? Stop hitting yourself!” His wife screamed and cried and the funeral director asked me to leave. Goddamn Philistines….
I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer’s disease She says she doesn’t remember what she ever saw in me
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!” What a weird way to start a conversation…
My wife keeps telling me that soup is better with flavour cubes. I don’t put too much stock in that.
A farmer walks in his kitchen with a duck under his arm… He looks at his wife and says “that’s the pig I’ve been telling you about”For the wife to respond “Deer, that’s a duck.”The farmer cuts back “I was talking to the duck.”
My wife and I had a pillow fight. The stupid police arrested me saying the term is called ‘smothering’.
I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.
I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?” I said, “That…sounds like a big step.”
Got my wife’s Christmas presents, perfume and a dildo… If she doesn’t like the perfume she can go fuck herself!
My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don’t worry, I’ll return.
My wife said, “Why are all the potatoes burnt to a crisp?” I said, “That’s for tomorrow.”My wife: Huh?Me: It’s Black Fry Day.
A farmer goes to his wife and says… “You know, if you were a real, real woman you’d give milk and we would ‘t need cows!”She looks at him, hesitates for a second, then responds.“Well, if you were a real man, we wouldn’t need farm hands!”
As part of the break up process,I decided to burn all my ex wife’s clothes. It gave me great satisfaction…..She was wearing them at the time.
My wife has developed a fetish with salad items… Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.And that was just the tip of the iceburg
My wife asked me what was the difference between jam and jelly I told her I can’t really jelly my dick in her mouth.Oh, so there’s no real difference, she replied.
A husband comes home one day and tells his wife he found Aladdin’s lamp… Wife: Oh my god, you’re SO LUCKY! What did you wish for darling? Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times. Wife: Awww, you’re so sweet baby! And did it work?Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn’t apply on zero.
Apparently my family is racist I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.
I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors. He gave her arsenic.
A network engineer goes to see his doctor He explains that he cannot seem to make his wife pregnant.The doctor examines the network engineer, and says “it looks like a connection issue”………He asks “is it my technique?”The doctor responds “no, you have a twisted pair”
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.. She hugged me. =/
My wife has a sexual toy with animal armour on it It’s an armadildo.
What does the farmer say to his wife when he’s feeling sexy? Brown Chicken Brown Cow
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, “Mypenis,” and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.”
My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall’ to her. I said “Maybe…”.
My wife and I had a huge argument because she accidentally flooded the kitchen but we’ve sorted it now. It’s all water under the fridge.
My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
I’ve always wanted a motorcycle My wife was dead against it but she finally saw things my way. She said she’d change her name to Harley and I could ride her anytime I liked. Not a bad compromise.
As a new years resolution, my wife suggested I should remove excess fat… So I filed for divorce!
My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey. So I took a photo of her hair!
I told my wife that I was going to stop running around my local roads and join a gym instead. “Why?” she asked. “You’re in much better shape than you were before, and it hasn’t cost a cent!”“Yes” I replied, “But I’m tired of having to outrun that fucking coyote.”
I asked my wife if she wanted to play twister. She said her schedule was flexible enough
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!’
A guy gives flowers to all of his family. To his wife he gives roses, to his parents he gives orchids, to his daughters he gives daisies. And to his sons, he gives sunflowers
A mother in law said to her son’s wife when their baby was born: “I don’t mean to be rude but he doesn’t look anything like my son.” The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: “I don’t mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier.”
My wife left me because she said I kept leaving oxygen tanks around the house. I thought that they created atmosphere.
Bob talks with his wife after a long night of drinking. Bob: “Honey, I think our house is haunted!” Wife: “Why do you say that?” Bob: “Last night when I opened the bathroom door, the lights suddenly went on, and cold air blew right at me!” Wife: “You idiot! You pissed in the fridge again!”
Man talking to his Wife. Husband: Babe Do you believe in Heaven.?Wife: Yeah, why.?Husband: When we die, would you like to meet up with me in Heaven.?Wife: Fuck off, the deal was until death do us part.
Flowers On Valentine’s Day I came home with a dozen roses for my wife. She looked at me and said “so I guess you want me to spread my legs now?”I said, “well, I kinda thought we’d put them in a vase.”
I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, ‘I love you.’ ‘Is that you or the beer talking?’ she asked. I answered, ‘It’s me… talking to my beer.’
A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips – the works. The wife turned to husband and said: “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” Her husband says: “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”
What did farmer say when his entire crop died suddenly. What a surprising turnip event.*This is my first attempt at writing a joke, and my wife thinks it’s awful.
Need to save a bit of money during the lock-down. I am getting rid of Google, Siri and Alexa, and I am going to sell all of my Wikipedia and Guinness World record books. I don’t need them anymore.My fucking wife knows everything.
A man goes to see a wizard and says, “Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?” “Maybe,” says the wizard, “Can you remember the exact words of the curse?” The man replies, “I pronounce you man and wife.”
My wife’s friend had a baby… She posted a picture on Facebook and my wife commented “Aww, what a little angle.” I replied to my wife’s comment “Ya, she’s pretty acute.”I felt like a tremendous nerd for even thinking of a geometry joke, but ya…
I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.
For our silver wedding anniversary I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart, and said we’d go wherever the dart lands! I’m happy to announce in october were going to spend a lovely 2 weeks by the fucking skirting board!
My wife hates the fact that we never have visitors. I never would have guest
Eric the Red’s brother, Rudolf, was home gazing out his window. He says to his wife: Looks bad out there. Looks like rain.”Rudolf’s wife responds: “Are you sure dear?”Rudolf answers back: “Trust me. Rudolf the Red knows rain dear.”
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high She told me she’s tired of my repost BS and divorced me. It was definitely a surprise.
My wife wants to talk to me about my childish behaviour. Little does she know she can’t enter my pillow fort without the secret password.
Two friends met after a long time. First one said: my wife is an angle. Second one replied: You are very lucky man. Mine is still alive.
My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.
My wife laughed at me when I told her I could make a car out of macaroni. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta!
My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach “Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter” she said”I know”, I said, “but if I don’t, I cant see what it says on the dial”
I really hate my past self, rumor has it he used to fuck my wife.
A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified… “See? See what I have to bang when you’re not in the mood?” The sheep says “Myyyyyyyy god. You weren’t lying…”
I think my wife is a weather forecaster… A guy called up asking if the coast was clear.
Top Tip Turn your sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself… my wife rushes through the room and shouts, “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK”
The creator of sexual innuendos just passed away His wife is taking it really hard
The wife and I went to a bank robber-themed fancy dress party last night. Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running.
The farmer A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.“You idiot that’s a chicken”“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!
A cannibal invites his friend for dinner His friend says “wow, your wife makes an excellent stew”
The Clinton Foundation is like my ex-wife. They keep 94% of the money and still don’t feed the kids.
At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON” The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”
My wife crashed the car listening to Adele, She was rolling in the jeep
I had to leave my wife due to a sex/salad fetish It started on our wedding night when she tried to shove a whole lettuce up my ass.That was just the tip of the iceburg
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window When he said “it’s going to rain” His wife asked “How do you know?”Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor. More on this after the break.
my wife tried to tell me that I’m in denial… So I told her to go back to school and learn geography because I’m standing nowhere near a river in Egypt
A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar The bartender says, “what can I get you officer?”
After getting the windows on my car tinted black, I showed it to my wife. She said, “I wouldn’t be seen dead in that thing!”I said, “That’s the point.”
Floyd Mayweather vs Logal Paul boxing match was definitely staged…. I think Floyd hit his wife harder honestly.
A man from Alabama opened his fridge… He looked around inside, closed the fridge and yelled to his wife:”Honey! We’re out of bread!”The wife came into the room with a new loaf.”Don’t worry,” she said. “We’re in bread.”
My wife told me you’ve aged like a fine wine. More complex, more flavoursome, increased sweetness. Overall tastier But with more body
My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”
Two friends were talking to each other in a bar… “I bought my wife a diamond ring for her birthday!”, one man proudly exclaimed.”I thought you said that you were buying her a new car,” the other questioned.”Yeah, but where was I gonna find a fake car?”
“push push…harder.. you can do it.. little more!!” I was yelling at my pregnant wife.. But despite her best efforts,the car didn’t start.
Got in trouble with wife last night…. I told her that if she was a celestial body, she would be a supernova. She said “Because I am so hot?”I shouldn’t have replied “no, because you are expanding at an alarming rate.”
My wife said she was going to put on a slinky dress I can’t wait to push her down the stairs
A farmer walks into his house holding a goose in his arms He approaches his wife and says “Well this is the pig I’ve been fucking.” His wife stares at him, mouth agape, and says “Excuse me?! That’s a goose!” The farmer replies “I know. I wasn’t talking to you.”
Husband: “I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my Grandmother.” Wife: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate?'”
My wife and I are debating whether or not to get marble countertops in our kitchen I feel like we’ll just take them for granite
I got a motorcycle for my wife last week. Best. Trade. Ever!
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.” Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
Sean Connerys wife was killed last year after his book case tipped over on her. In an interview, an extremely guilt ridden Sean Connery said: I only have my shelf to blame.
At the court: Please, have mercy! I have a wife and 3 kids! I am sorry Mr. Brown, but you have served the sentence and paid your debt, you are free now.
My wife wanted to buy grain-free granola. I said, “That’s nuts!”
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. ‘She obviously has COVID,’ my wife said. ‘Why?’ I asked. ‘Because she has no taste.’
My wife was sick to the stomach when I told her I put ginger in the curry She really loved that cat
Why do you watch Food Network all the time, I asked my wife. You suck at cooking and watching doesn’t make you any better!She replied “Why do you watch porn?”
I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My wife got angry at me because I was drunkenly shoveling the driveway when she got home. I don’t get it. I told her I’d stop drinking this winter, with snow exceptions.
I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes.
My wife makes a great stew Really gonna miss her though.
I found a cucumber on the bathroom floor. I looked at it, disgusted, and showed it to my wife.I said, “Have you been masturbating with this?””No!” she gasped. I said, “Then why is it covered in cobwebs?”
My wife walked into the bedroom to find me pulling off my boxers. She told me I spoil the dogs too much.
My wife’s the only person I know that buys so much from Amazon that she needs two shopping carts.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!
When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesnt think that im a vegan
My wife was so excited that she pulled something out of her closet from 10 years ago that still fits.. “Can you believe it? After 10 years and it still fits!””Babe, it’s a fucking scarf!”
When finally the quarantaine is over and you have the following options: A. Going on vacation with your wife. B. Having a barbecue with your friends. What would you choose? Spareribs or hamburgers?
My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files. I always have trouble with emotional attachments.
My wife was gleefully telling me about how the cost to replace her many responsibilities is $100k/year Boy you should have seen her face though when I sent her an invoice for replacing the shower head.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home … Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really … read more
Good news! This month your wife will nag you less Nothing related to astrology….Because this month has only 28 days
I still can’t understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing I used the finest tuxedo!
An old man is walking around with his zipper opened. His wife notices and turns to him and tells him to zip up his zipperWhich he relpies, “Why? What cant get up can’t get out.”
My wife said I hated her side of the family I said, “That’s not true, I like your mother-in-law more than mine”
My wife was worried that she was going to get fat, just because her sisters are fat, her mom is fat and her grandmother was fat. So I bought her a Peloton. She broke the cycle.
Three is a crowd Wife: Love, we’re going to be three people living in this house. Husband: Really? Am I going to be a daddy, love? Wife: Oh, no, love. My mom’s going to come and live with us.
I met my wife while we working at the same museum I met my wife while we were working at the same museum. Our first date was in the geology section, the second in paleontology, and the rest was history.
When it’s hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I’ll be honest… I’m not a fan.
My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort.
Husband on second day of marriage… …goes to the beautician who did his wife’s bridal make up, and gifted her beautifully packed iphone 7 plus box.She opened the box with great happiness and was depressed to see a Nokia 1100. Husband smiled and said’ same feeling ‘
After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart Noah: glue might work, I have an idea Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I was watching a live performance when the floor gave way and one of the actors fell through. My wife asked if I thought they were ok. I said I’m sure they’re fine, it’s just a stage they’re going through.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
Please settle an argument between me and my wife about whether it’s ok to pee in the bath I think it’s fine but my wife says I should wait until she’s finished her bath
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.’
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife’s cheek? A golden opportunity
My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.
My wife took off her shirt and bra right when I was winning an argument….. It was a booby trap.
I was having an argument with the wife and she said ” When i married you, i thought ypu where brave”….. And i said “So did i all my friends”…
My wife bought a talking parrot, but returned it to the pet store a week later. “This parrot hasn’t spoke a single word.” She complained.“I haven’t had a fucking chance to!” Replied the parrot.
My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I’m feeling cannelloni right now.
My wife can’t figure out why my pet anaconda won’t eat Bratwurst a la cart I told her that my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun.
My wife told me she didn’t understand cloning. I told her, ‘That makes two of us.’
“It’s difficult to say what my wife does, she sells sea shells by the sea shore. “
She Left Him A man’s wife left him because he couldn’t stop counting.She’s not sure what he’s up to now.(Credit to Brian & Ron Boychuck)
Joke a customer told me when I used to work at a call center A husband is eating dinner with his wife and he decides to ask her”honey how come you never tell me when you have an orgasm”the wife replies “oh I just don’t want to bother you while you’re at work”
Doctor: you’ll soon be at peace Man: am I dying?Doctor: no, your wife is
Wife: Hey, guess this “What always increases, but never decrease?” Husband: Your weight?
A husband says to his wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.” A husband says to his wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.”The wife replies, “Why not wear silver and come second for a change?”
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning It’s a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz
I turned to my wife last night I turned to my wife last night and said …….”I’m into anal”.She gave me a look of despair, glared at me and then said “Animal”.I just love it when we do the cryptic crossword together!
I was talking to my buddy about 50 Shades Of Grey He said “yeah, my wife and I have been doing S&M for years.””Really!”, I said, “I had no idea!””Sure,” he said, “she sleeps and I masturbate!”
After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.
My wife’s an absolute treasure…. By that I mean, you’ll need a map and a shovel to find her.
I’m quite sad… since I turned 70, I barely can have an erection anymore. But I’m also happy : My wife seems, at last, to got rid of her never-ending headaches.
My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.
Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met. I wouldn’t mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
In Wisconsin a woman donated a kidney to a dairy farmer and he was so grateful he agreed to marry her. The preacher said: “what God has joined let no man put asunder.” The groom interrupted: “what’s asunder?” The preacher said “apart.” The farmer said “a part of what?” “Apart from your wife” said the now frustrated minister. The groom said “shit! I already got a part from her.”
My wife didn’t like my joke about a prisoner with dwarfism falling out of a window… …she said it was a little condescending.
While my wife was giving birth, I bent down and whispered “You’re nearly there, keep going…keep going. Just keep your eyes closed and breathe slow.” “Thanks,” said the doctor, “I’ve just never seen a vagina this ugly.”
I think the wife’s got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month. I’ve just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.
Walking down the road, I ran into a farmer’s wife She was dragging along a huge barrel full of tomatoes. I said, “Hey, what are you gonna do with all those tomatoes?” The farmer’s wife said, “Well, we eat what we can. And what we can’t, we can.”
I saw a man on a date with his really hot wife and I jokingly asked him how he wound up with a woman so beautiful. He said, I put my hands on her I am a misogynist. I was shocked and bewildered and looked to the wife for an explanation but she turned to her husband and said, honey you have to say “massage therapist”.
“Wife: Honey I’m pregnant. Me: Well…. what do we do now? Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor. Me: Hm.. I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor. “
Mr Potato Head’s wife is upset. She claims he won’t tater anywhere.
My wife and I had this long pointless argument as to which vowel is the most important. I won.
It took my wife six hours to push out our first child. He’s old enough to live by himself now.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, ‘I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.’
I told my wife I’d never leave her unless aliens came to take me. It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.
My wife asked me what the price of lamb meat is. I told her I didn’t know much but… I know it ain’t sheep.
So my wife and I just had our first child. A man ran into the delivery room and stole our child’s umbilical cord. The search lasted for days. We thought there was no hope in finding the cord. A few days later we were advised that the man and the cord were found. He was hiding on a navel base.
Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space!
Two guys want to share a golf cart Pro: Sorry, because of Covid19 you can’t share a cart unless you’re cohabitating.Customer points to friend; Well, I’m fucking his wife.
My wife accused me of being unsympathetic and not listening, so I bought her a GI Joe coloring book. Now she’ll always have a soldier to crayon.
If the husband is the head of the family, then the wife is… The neck. Because she can turn the head anywhere.
Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
When I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words, she said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect! Then she added that I… …also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces…
My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.
How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife? They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. “Is everything okay, pal?” the bartender asks. “My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.” Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know… a little peace and quiet?””Yeah. But today is the last day…”
When my wife was in labor I would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain. She wasn’t amused though. I think it was the delivery.
Burglars are getting more clever, my wife woke me up in the middle of the night “I think there is somebody downstairs” she said. So I got up and went downstairs and checked ever room.. Then I realized I wasn’t married….
My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more… The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.—————————————————————*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*
I was flipping through the channels…. and my wife asked was on the TV. I said “dust”And that’s how the fight started.
Me: Damnit! The forecast shows up to 5 inches of snow!! Wife: If I don’t complain about a few inches, neither should you.
Your wife and daughter look like twins,’ my friend said. ‘Well,’ I replied, ‘they were separated at birth.’
While getting ready to go play outside with my kids, my wife asked me “Do you have tennis shoes?” I responded, “No, I only have 9 issues.”
A Muslim couple visit a restaurant known for serving exotic food. As they peruse the menu, the husband exclaims, “Wow! That gorilla burger sure looks good!” His wife looks up in surprise. “That’s haram, bae!” she admonishes.
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
My wife and I are a perfect match. For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn’t know which end of a ruler to hold up.
My wife just recently completed a 40-week body building course… It’s a boy and he weighs 11lbs 4oz
My wife is getting sick and tired of me buying her stupid gifts. “Next one you buy, I’m going to burn it.” She screamed.So, I bought her a candle.
My wife always cheats when we play board games Just last night, we were all playing Monopoly in the den and she was next-door fucking the neighbor.
Husband : Please Call An Ambulance I Think Am Having A Heart Attack… Wife : (Took His Mobile Phone) Quickly, Give Me The Password… Husband : Ooh I Think Am Fine Now…
A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find. “Excuse me miss, I can’t find my wife. Can I to talk to you?” He asked her.She said “Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?” I said “Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere”.
My neighbour was sunbathing naked in her garden and as I was wanking while watching her from the window I caught my wife staring at me in the doorway… Do you think she might be a pervert?
Help, my wife is missing!!! Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.Sergeant: Weight?Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never … read more
My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I’m not supposed to use when we argue…. It’s called a dictionary.
Husband asked his wife: Honey,what do you do after we have fight?The wife replied: I go clean the toiletHusband was all confused and asks her: But why?She says: Because I do it with your toothbrush
After 6+ years of me and my wife being together, she still gets mad whenever i use her toothbrush So if anyone knows another way to remove dogshit from my sneakers id be happy to hear it
Why did Robert Oppenheimer’s wife go to the beach naked? There was no bikini atoll
After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant. She has the worst stutter ever.
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns!
My wife’s gonna leave me because of a spelling mistake. I’m on a work trip and I just texted her “having a wonderful time, wish you were her.”
Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him? Doctor: They Are For You.!!
What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed? Let me finish this one line.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day. So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.
NSFW (Actual interaction between my wife and I) Wife: “Doesn’t ejaculating alot increase your testosterone and lower your voice?” Me: “Babe, if ejaculating lowered your voice, I’d have been Barry White by the time we met.”
My wife asked why I had so many olives on my plate. I told her it’s because I didn’t eat olive them.
A young man was shopping in a department store. He sees an extremely attractive salesgirl and says, “I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife, but I don’t know her size.” “Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. “Oh, yes,” he answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours.” “Will there be anything else?” the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves. “Now that you mention it,” he replied, “she also needs a bra and panties.”
My wife and I had a huge argument when she said Jim Morrison was overrated I disagreed and she stormed out, I hate it when she slams the doors
My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program this morning. It’s a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
I never knew my wife could have so much fun with a cucumber, a banana and a coke bottle Until I saw how happy she was making my lunch today.
My wife is a pain in the arse, but I’ll always buy her flowers. Fucks with her hay-fever.
My wife knocked on the fridge door before opening it… I said, ‘excuse me but what’s happening?’She said, ‘there might have been a salad dressing’
A farmer had a prized bull. Bred 300 times a year. The farmer’s wife said “300 times, isn’t that wonderful dear? Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he’ll show you how.” Farmer said “Yeah… he’s a hell of a bull, but it wasn’t all with the same cow.”
My wife has been secretly storing plenty of graph paper inside her closet. I bet she is plotting something against me.
Doctor Frankenstein created life, via great skill with a surgeon’s knife. Igor loved to say, an easier way, Would have been knocking boots with his wife.
I live in MD and the governor is all “Don’t go to the bar. Don’t meet up with your friends. Don’t come home with an infection.” Honestly, Gov. Larry Hogan is starting to sound like my wife.
A broken drum is the best gift for Christmas You just can’t beat it. On the other hand, a wife would be the worst gift because you definitely can…
My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction. She packed up her bags and right.
A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going. “I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response.“A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?”“My wife,” the drunk man answers.
A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a cucumber “What are you doing?” he shouts, “I have to eat that later, and I don’t want it tasting like cucumber!”
Husband – My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home… *Police Sergeant*:What is her height?*Husband*:Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.*Sergeant*:Colour of eyes?*Husband*:Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.*Sergeant*:Colour of hair?*Husband*:Changes a couple times a … read more
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes-the others were 7’s and 8’s.
What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn’t have tourettes. I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.
I hear you, brother \- Pity me sir, I have a wife and six children, said the beggar. The gentleman replied: – Dear fellow! Accept my heartfelt sympathy, so have I!
Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery… Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do? Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
My wife always talks like an empty tip jar Such non cents
My 3 year old daughter as a pink fairy princes To my wife: “I’ll make you a queen!”To me: “I’ll make you a cookie monster!”
My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin’s wedding this summer. “I hope you win” was not the correct response.
My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!
The wife asked me to go out and get something for the pancakes. She wasn’t impressed when I came back with a bra.
I’ve noticed my wife gets very aggressive about controlling the TV remote at the same time each month. It’s nothing but period drama.
A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?”His wife replies, “For the flowers of course.”He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?”
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window… If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in
In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied.. That is what the beer was for.
My waiter asked me how I like my steak So I told him i like my steak like me winning a argument with my wife.So the waiter said rare it is
I met Darth Vader’s wife at the mall yesterday. Nice gal, her names’s Ella.
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked puzzled. “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.
CLEAN THE POOL! My wife’s been bugging me to vacuum the pool for months. I tried telling her “If the water’s healthy enough for those tadpoles, it’s good enough for the kids”. I think she’s being a little too bossy.
My wife and I were walking home from dinner when we came across 6 men beating up my mother-in-law. My wife asked, “Aren’t you going to help?”I said, “No, 6 should be enough.”
I call my wife Bambi, she thinks it’s because she is cute with big brown eyes. But in reality I just hope someone shoots her mother with a hunting rifle.
Frank is in the locker room at a gym when his buddy Howard walks in.He begins to undress when suddenly Frank notices he’s wearing a girdle. “How long you been wearing that thing?”Frank asks.”Ever since my wife found them in the glovebox.”Howard smugley replied.
[NSFW] Why did the gardeners wife file for a divorce? Because he didn’t want to de-flower her
When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated. She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, “oh, don’t worry honey, this is just my new year’s resolution”
Surfer saves shark by punching wife in New South Wales. Beg your pardon. Let me read that again…
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
It’s big, pink and hard first thing in the morning, and sometimes I get my wife to help me with it. Anybody else like the *Financial Times* crossword?
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…
My wife and I were sitting in the living room enjoying a bottle of wine. Out of the blue she said, “I love you. “”Is that you or the wine talking?” I asked her.”It’s me.” said the wife. “Talking to the wine.”
I asked an old man: “Even after 95 years, you still call your wife ‘Darling’, ‘Honey’, ‘Love’. What’s the secret?”The old man replied: “I forgot her name years ago and I’m scared to ask her!!!!!!
What do you call a person who loves crocodiles? A crocophile.Came up with that one while at the science museum, wife gave a groin and shook her head.
Husband: How do you turn Alexa off? Wife: Walk around naked.
I had a butcher come into my shop and introduce me to his wife… He said, “Meet Patty”.
Gentlemen, there are two strategies for winning an argument with your wife. Neither of them work.
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. “She obviously has COVID,” my wife said. “Why?” I asked. “Because she has no taste.”
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. She obviously has COVID, my wife said. Why? I asked. Because she has no taste.
Santa’s wife divorced him after he cheated on her for the fourth time She could handle the first three ho’s but the last one was just too much.
My wife makes my pancakes too thin. Tomorrow morning I am telling her I am sick of her crepe.
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She’s at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
A wife calls her husband. “The plumber is gonna come in 7, to fix the clogged sink.””Oh no. You think he’s still angry at me from the last time?””What happened last time?””He said he’s here to replace the toilet. So I pissed on him”
A manager of a food mart comes home after a long day of work. \*conversation at dinner\*Manager’s wife: I’ve been wondering how you deal with all the people refusing to wear masks. How?Manager: Well, I manage.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives… I said, “No way!! In fact I love your mother in law much more, than I like mine.”
My wife really likes her Rampant Rabbit It’s not her favourite sex toy, but it’s definitely right up there.
If size doesn’t matter… Then why is my wife’s dildo not 3 inches long and crooked?
A man bought an olympic condom pack Husband: Hey see I got a olympic condom packWife: huh, what is thatHusband: It has condoms named with medals. Let ne use the gold one.Wife: Nah use the silver one.Husband: Why?Wife: You should come second for a change
A man argued with his wife over whether or not he stood with a hunch For months he maintained that his posture was fine. Finally, to prove her wrong, he made an appointment with a posture specialist. When he returned, his wife asked if the specialist agreed with her and helped him. He replied, “I stand corrected.”
A couple has been married for 12 and a half years and the man wants to surprise his wife So he tells her that they’re going to Iceland. His wife, all excited, replies: “Wow Iceland! That’s so far away. So what will your plan be when we are married for 25 years?!””Then I’ll come pick you up again.”
My wife came back home from the hairdresser’s. She asked me what I thought of her new look, and she got upset when I made my observation. ‘So, you think I look like a bulldog!’ she wept.I laughed to myself.’No! You need to get your ears tested!’ I replied.’Oh…’ she began to smile.’I said you look like a bald hog,’ I added.
Drugs are a lot like my coworkers My wife does most of them
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, “I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.”
My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me if I’ve seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question. But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
The police were called to a crime scene. They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.She screamed “My husband. What have I done?”Cop “How many times did you hit him?Wife ” I don’t remember. Put me down for a six”
I met my wife at the zoo. The moment I saw her there, dressed head to toe in khaki and covered in animal shit, I knew she was a keeper.
My wife was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold them.
A guy phones reception at a Hotel. Guy: I need help quickly, my wife is trying to jump out of the window,and we are on the 14th floor.Receptionist: Okay calm down, do you need police and an Ambulance?Guy: No I need maintenance, the window won’t open.
What happens when you play a country song backwards? You get:- your wife back- your house back- your truck back- your dog back
My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible. I can’t wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!
My uncle has a television set in his automobile, but it led to a little trouble. You see, he was sitting in the car, watching television, while his wife was driving on the highway at sixty miles per hour. Then the commercial came on, and he stepped out to go to the bathroom
My wife used to grow cucumbers in her garden to use as dildos. She had to stop after a problem with squatters
“I want a divorce” I told the judge. “All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar. “What is she doing that for?” Asked the judge.”Fu***ng looking for me.”
As my wife-to-be strolled to meet me at the aisle, looking beautiful in her wedding dress, I could tell something was wrong… She told me she was going to kill me… It was a thinly veiled threat.
My vegetarian wife wanted the egg smell gone from the pan in which I cooked scrambled egg So i cooked beef in it.
A Man walks into a bar and Orders 3 shots of Whisky, The Bartender asks “What’s got you down” The man says “I just found out my Niece is gay.” The next day he orders 4 shots of Whisky The Bartender asks “What’s got you down now?” The man says “I just found out my son is gay.” The next day he orders 6 shots of whisky The Bartender says “Got anybody who likes Women?” The man says “My wife does.”
My wife and I had a huge argument today. By the time we were finished, she was on her knees begging… for me to come out from under the bed and act like an adult.
I bought my son a drum set today My wife was furious but I was ready to face the re-percussions
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper She was wearing massive gloves
I saw a man fall on the ground and his wife yelled, “Someone call him an ambulance!” So I yelled back “Hey dude, you’re an ambulance!” and left. Hope he’s ok.
My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!
So my wife is fed up with my dad jokes and asked me to stop telling them. Me: how do you want me to stop?Wife: whatever means necessary.Me: …? No it doesn’t.
My wife asked me what time my dentist appointment is “Tooth hurty”
Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you’re eating for two now. Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
Two men in a park. A creepy guy walks up to another man in a park. Creepy guy leans close to the man and whispers “do you have any naked photos of your wife?” The man angrily says “certainly not”. Creepy guy says “would you like to buy some?”
The wife said: “Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…” And the husband replied: “Just remember they do it with more than one cow…”
What did a cheating snail say to his slug wife Sorry but i love Michelle.
A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol and yelled “I have a 45 Caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife.”A voice from the back of the room called out “you need more ammo!”
A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later, he received this letter: Most Honorable Sir,You leave house, he come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see.No fee,Chen Lee
Mark and his wife were driving along a country road. They weren’t speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. “Relatives of yours?”, asked Mark sarcastically.”Yes,” she replied. “My in-laws.”
The wife and I walked passed a swanky, expensive restaurant last night. She said “The aroma of their cooking from there is absolutely gorgeous” Being a spontaneous sort of guy, I thought I would treat her. So I turned her around and we walked past it again.
A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordan Ramsey’s F-king cooking show! Husband:STOP WATCHING THAT F-KING SHIT!!! YOU CAN’T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! WIFE: SO WHAT??! YOU WATCH PORN DON’T YOU!!!
Just look at that couple down the road,’ a wife told her husband. ‘He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?’ ‘Are you insane?’ he responded. ‘I barely know the woman!’
“The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me. “
My wife said last night “You treat our marriage like it’s some sort of game” Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
A man called the wrong number… “I believe you have the wrong number,” said the old gentleman into the phone. “You’ll have to call the weather bureau for that information.” “Who was that?” his young wife asked. “Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear.”
I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast. Just so she could have a “titty tat.”
Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says “I’ve just done a silent fart, what should I do?” Husband says “put new batteries in your hearing aid.”
Santa Claus is a douchebag… He made my wife sit on his lap, asked if she’s been naughty this year then laughed and repeatedly called her a ho.
Introduced my girlfriend to the family over the weekend, everyone was shocked… Specially the wife .
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.
My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise.. I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet
My wife asked me if I was together with my mother on her deathbed? I answered: Of course, who did you think held the pillow?
I walked into my boss’s office and handed him a pear… “What’s this for? he asked.I replied, “A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you.”
I put a valentines sticker on my bathroom door ‘2BeMine’. My best friend came over with his wife. She went inside the bathroom and I broke into song. Cuz she’s my best friends girl, but she used 2BeMine.
I miss the good old days when the president only lied to us to protect national security. Or to hide a blowjob from his wife.
Guys I need your help, in the middle of an argument with my wife, she told me that I’m right, what do I do next?
My wife’s credit card was stolen a week ago. So far they are spending less money than she normally does so I’m not going say anything.
“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”
My wife locked me outside the house coz she got tired of my wordplay jokes I texted her “Oh Pun the door”
I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it… Because revenge is a dish best served cold
My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed. I’ll admit, I took them for granite.
A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard. He called his wife about it.”Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!” He said.”Oh my God, are you okay?” His wife asked.”Yes, I have it under CTRL.”
What musical instrument does the president use to tell his wife he wants to have sex? Trump-bone
My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday… I said, “Aw, I don’t need presents, I just want a nice, relaxing massage and some of that great sex we used to have.”Anyway guys, it worked, she is buying me so much stuff.
Marriage is like a workshop; the husband works very hard And the wife shops very hard
“Tie me up.” One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went golfing.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought. It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Why wife woke me this morning and said I’m half the size of Chris Evans. I think she’s confused, because I’m definitely not 3 feet tall.
Wife: Darling, let’s enjoy our weekend this week! Husband: Sounds good! Let’s meet on Monday.
2 rednecks were talking during their lunch break Trimothy – As soon imma get home gonna take off ma wife panties Bradley – Y’all horny ? Trimothy – Nah , worn them by mistake dis mornin
Middle-aged man looking for companion. If you’re looking for honest relationship please call this number. If my wife answers, just hang-up
My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“ I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”
Those push-up bras aren’t very good, are they? I wore my wife’s to the gym this morning and I still couldn’t manage more than six.
My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is cool but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I’m horrified.
A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”
As a farmer, when i first met my wife, she was not impressed when i didn’t partake in planting the seeds of next years crop. I told her: “That’s not my responsibility on this farm.I’m a grower, not a sower.”
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, ‘This isn’t working.’ I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!
“For Valentine’s day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus. It’s the little things that count. “
Guy walks into his bedroom with a goat under his arm… He says, “This is the pig I fuck when you’re not around.His wife says, “You dumb asshole, that’s a goat, not a pig.”He shoots back, “Who the hell did you think I was talking to?”
My wife once said, “Sex is better during vacation”. That was not a nice postcard to receive.
I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn’t get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party… At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left… …I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!
Valentine night for Men. I have booked a dim lit table for two tonight for me and the Wife.I just hope the fuck she likes Snooker….
Why does the cop’s wife not allow him to turn the tv off? Because he shoots at it every time the screen turns black.
What did the cockroach say to the man who wanted to squash it? “You are just jealous, because I can make your wife scream louder than you can”
What did Donald Trump say to his wife Melania in the voting booth? Don’t copy Michelle on this one.
“My wife told me to rub the herbs on the meat for better flavor. That’s sage advice. “
I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said “tell him a fruit joke…” And if he doesn’t appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango.
My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset. Frankly, it’s not her bismuth.
My wife thinks her latest copy of Indian Cooking Monthly is too narrowly focused I think it’s a naan issue.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today… turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
I was playing a zombie game, and sliced off a zombie’s left side. It scared my wife pretty bad. I assured her he’s all right.
Policeman: why do you keep beating your wife?? Me: I think it’s the weight difference, the longer reach, and superior footwork
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding! She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!
2 tips for a happily married life…. Keep quiet when your wife is talking. Don’t talk when your wife is quiet.
My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don’t worry, I’ll be back.
What did Santa say to his wife when she gave him a private dance? Make it reindeer!- Credit to my brother
My wife is turning 32 next Monday. I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”“What are you talking about?” she asked.I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
My brother is afraid that robots will replace him. If he would look in his wife’s bedside dresser he would realize he already has been
My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine’s day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower. “Gold Medal All Purpose” apparently wasn’t the answer.
Husband: Why are you applying makeup so late at night hon? Wife: I face-lock my phone while my makeup was on & now that fucking thing isn’t working.
Shopping for Melons My wife sent me to the supermarket with a grocery list, but when I unfolded and read it, all it said was “melons”. I guess it was the honey dew list.
My wife accused me of cheating when she found a hidden letter… I should’ve known better than to hide my X in the closet.
A pirate walks in with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper… His matey asks, “Aarrr, why is there a steering wheel coming out of your pants?”The pirate respond, “Aarrr, it’s me wife, she drives me nuts.”
Judge says “After reviewing your case Mr Smith, I have decided to give your wife $445 per week.” “Thats very fair your honor.” The husband said “And every now and then I ll try to send a few bucks myself”
My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.
(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread… I’m a gluten for punishment.
My wife accused me of being a cross dresser the other day… So i packed her things and left
My wife always thinks really hard about ironing vs. putting her shirts in the dryer to get rid of wrinkles. I asked her to not be so clothes-minded.
My wife Ruth just died at age 78 Is it too soon to call myself Ruthless?
When we have self-driving cars, I’m pretty sure . . . my wife will complain about its driving too.
My wife told me I have a terrible sense of direction I said, “where did that come from?”
My wife and I were having a huge argument… I took off my glasses and said, “I don’t even want to see you right now!”.
My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction So I packed up my stuff and right
My wife is pissed off at me… She told me how unhappy she is with her c-section scar and I tried to comfort her. Apparently “honey, don’t worry, your tits will cover it up” was not the right answer.
My wife says nothing rhymes with “orange.” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”
My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I’m on the fence.
Was in court with the ex wife over who’d get the kids in the divorce, she told the judge about the time I flew into a rage a threw an enitre trifle at her So of course she got custardy.
My wife cut herself putting the clothes away. When she showed me, I said, “Wow, and I thought I was a sharp dresser.”
Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.
My wife said I had to stop listening to Meat Loaf. I’d do anything for love, but I won’t do that.
I was on the phone to a woman from the babestation channel. I said “Can you hide behind the couch?” Confused, she asked “Why?” I said “Because my wife is coming downstairs and I can’t find the remote.”
Man: Hello, is this hotel manager speaking? Manager: Yes. What happened Sir?Man: My wife is arguing with me and saying that she will jump out of the window.Manger : Sorry Sir, this is your personal issue, we cannot help.Man: I know, I know but I want help because the window is not opening.
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves
Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife.
My wife left me this morning because I’m insecure. Oh, no, wait, she’s back. She just went for groceries.
My wife told me I have no sense of direction. I have no idea where that came from.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

Conclusion

As we wrap up this collection of wife-themed dad jokes, remember that shared laughter creates some of marriage’s most memorable moments. The beauty of dad jokes lies in their ability to cut through tension and remind us not to take life too seriously.

Research even suggests couples who laugh together stay together longer! These clean, family-friendly jokes are perfect for sharing at dinner parties, family gatherings, or just during those quiet moments when your wife least expects a punchline.

The next time you’re facing a disagreement about whose turn it is to do the dishes or which in-laws to visit for the holidays, try dropping one of these jokes to lighten the mood. Marriage thrives on communication, respect, and a healthy dose of humor.

So go ahead – memorize a few favorites, practice your delivery, and watch as your wife tries (and fails) to suppress that smile that says, “That was terrible… tell me another one.” And remember, the best part about making your wife laugh isn’t just the momentary joy – it’s the connection it creates. After all, life’s too short not to share it with someone who appreciates your uniquely terrible sense of humor!

113+ Hilarious Dad Jokes About Wives That’ll Make Her Eye-Roll

Introduction

Conclusion

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