Hilarious Dad Jokes About Men: The Ultimate Collection

Introduction

Welcome to the manliest collection of dad jokes on the internet! If you’ve ever wondered what happens when masculinity meets corny humor, you’re in for a treat.

Dad jokes about men are a special breed of comedy—they’re groan-worthy, they’re predictable, and somehow, they’re still absolutely hilarious.

Whether you’re a father looking to embarrass your children, a husband seeking to make your wife roll her eyes, or simply a connoisseur of clean humor, this compilation of man-themed dad jokes will not disappoint.

From “husband in the doghouse” one-liners to “manly activities gone wrong” punchlines, we’ve gathered the best (or worst, depending on your perspective) dad jokes about men that will have you simultaneously facepalming and chuckling.

These jokes celebrate everything from male stereotypes to the everyday struggles of manhood, all packaged in that distinctive dad joke format we’ve come to love and dread.

So flex those funny bones—it’s time to man up and dive into some seriously silly humor!

Man Jokes List

My mom says that the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Her malpractice suit isn’t going so well.
A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, “Did you see me rob this bank?” The man stammered, “Yes.”Bang! The robber shoots him.He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, “Did you see me rob this bank?”The husband quickly responds, “No….but my wife did!”
During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney It’s a huge act, man..
A man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and two hurricanes… The bartender says that’ll be $20.20
I was at a nudist beach… and I saw a man walking by wearing nothing but his glasses.And I thought, “What does he do when his glasses get dirty?”.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, ‘I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.’
“Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. “
What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing
How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
“So, Are you a team player or a one man army?” I tried team playing, but my boss kicked me out of his bedroom and told me to leave his wife untouched.
A man tells his date A man tells his date “ I work with animals”And she said “ I love a man who that cares about animals, where do you work?”And with a grin on his face the man said “I’m a butcher.”
A man goes into a book shop and asks the assistant, “I heard there’s a new book just out about living with a small penis. I’m not sure what it’s called. Have you got it in yet?” Assistant: “Yes, that’s the one.”(Other versions have been posted but I reckon this is the right formulation…)
What do you call it when a man lies about his p*nis size? A Phallacy!
“Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep! “
What do you call a black man that’s just been hit by a bus? An ambulance you racist.
A stupid knight won a jousting tournament. While awarding his prize, the king had to ask, “How does such a dumb man win a contest like this one?”The squire answered, “All the points just go over his head.”
A man in a hurry goes to a diner and ordered a pancake He asked, “Will it be long?”The cook replied, “No, it’ll be round.”
I think it’s just deplorable all the sexist people who want to undermine Katherine Bouman’s role in the black hole photo. we all know with NASA’s budget they could of never afforded a man.
Where the experts are As the ambulance EMTs are loading a man onto their gurney, the patient asks, “Where are you guys taking me? The county hospital?”“Nope,” said the EMT. “You need expert medical help, brother. We’re taking you to the comments section.”
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient… …as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
Edward G Robinsons father became a woman, and his mother became a man. He has been very open discussing this. He has trans parents, see
A man on the street was trying to sell me a “slightly used” television… “How can a television be slightly used?” I inquired”The old lady that owned it, she was blind in one eye.” he said
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body He’ll be born in March
What is the difference between a man riding a tricycle wearing a suit and tie, and another man riding a bicycle wearing jeans and a t-shirt? Attire.
Why isn’t every man in a red suit with a beard Santa? Because correlation doesn’t imply Claus-ality.
Pig A man walks up to his wife with a duck under his arm and says”This is the pig I’ve been fucking”Wife says “that’s not a pig, that’s a duck”Husband says “I wasn’t talking to you”
I was swindled by a tiny man dressed in green. He was begging and I gave him money because he claimed to be afflicted by a horrible and infamous skin disease. I have since learned that claim was false.Yes, I fell victim to a classic leper con.
A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says “Fuck off you won’t bring it back”
When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”
The Queen of England had a gift for a man who would soon be knighted. She insisted that he be given the gift at the ceremony but told her staff to keep it a secret. She wanted it to be a Sir Prize.
A Korean couple. A Korean couple were sitting on the couch in front of the television when they hear a loud fart.“ It was the dog” said the man smiling.“Don’t blame the dog” the woman said “ I cooked it perfectly”
Man asks Confucius: If a man washes his ass, is he gay? Confucius say: A man who cleans his house clearly expects a visitor.
Ever hear about the million-dollar plan to convert the top floor of The Shard into a restaurant? Man, the steaks were high on that one.
“Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, “man, it’s really hot in here”. The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, “WHOA, a talking muffin!” “
In Tribute Boy: I’ll bet you a dollar my dog can talkMan: you’re onBoy: how does sandpaper feel?Dog: Ruff!Boy: what’s on top of a house?Dog: Roof!Boy: who’s the greatest ballplayer ever?Dog: Ruth!Man: come on! I ain’t payin’ for that, get out of h… read more
There’s been 3 murders in the last month and the police are looking for a man with one eye. If they wanted to find him that desperately, you’d think they will use both eyes.
Teacher : “Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,what virtue would I be showing?” Student : “Brotherly love”.
As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated. After that, he was alright.
If your man comes home late at night smelling of strange perfume… You’re probably getting perfume for Christmas.
When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say “Congrats!”… When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say “Congrats!”. But none of them come and touch the man’s Penis and say “Well done!”.Moral: Hard work is never appreciated. Only results
Woman: They just turned the local cemetery into a golf course… Man: Well, someone’s going to be six under!
So I once saw an argument in a comment section, a man said, “How many chromosomes do you have?” The other replied, “More than you”.The sheer confidence he had
A man walks into a therapists office And the therapist asks what do you think will be going through your head in 3 Years? hopefully a bullet
What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue? Sheesh kabobs.
I saw a man shovelling horse poo off the road, into a bag So I stopped and asked him why.He told me he was taking it home, to put on his rhubarb.Fair enough, but I prefer custard
A man walks into a bar and faceplants into a stool. Now he’s completely shitfaced.
A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. “I’m a turtle”, he says.”Oh… who’s on your back?””That’s Michelle”, he replies.
Why did the Mexican man tie his wife to the train tracks? Because he wanted tequila!
Did you hear about the blind man who refused to read a book? He said, “I’m just not feeling it!”
A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute? The one whose sack reads “Idaho”
A man walks into a cafe A man walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to goThe coffee gets up and walks away.(Can’t take credit for this, read it on a coffee shop window)
MY friend made a joke about the flooding of South Asia. I stopped him and sad: “Too monsoon man.”
4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they’re dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON’T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!! Man, I hate babies.
a man has been stealing tires from the cops I guess you could say the cops are tirelessly looking for him.
A man turns to his wife and says: “Honey, pack your bags because I won the lottery.” She asks: “Do I take summer clothes or winter clothes?” He replies: “Take it all, go away.”
A man goes into a Pharmacist and asks for some silicon dioxide The Pharmacist says “we don’t sell that”.He replies “But you have loads in the window”
“What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. “
How did the ice cream man sell all of his melting product on a hot summer day? He had a liquidation sale.
A man walks into a cafe and asks for a small decaf coffee with sugar and no cream The waitress leaves to fetch the coffee but returns a moment later.“Sorry sir, we’re all out of cream. Would you prefer no milk?”
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
Allegedly John Adams In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress
A man asks to his wife: why are you ironing the bra’s if nothing is behind it? A man asks to his wife: why are you ironing the bra’s if nothing is in it?The woman answers: i also iron your underpants right?
Whst should a man call a wink from his wife ? Wife eye connection.
A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, ‘You’re weaving down this road, ‘What is in that Water Bottle?’ The man said, ‘Plain water.’ the Cop took a sip and said, “This is red wine.’ The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, ‘THANK YOU JESUS, YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN.’
It’s my cake day or something, Here’s a dad joke 🙂 A blind man walks into a bar, And then a table, And then a chair.
Growing up in a family involved with the mob, I never quite understood what my mom meant when she said that dad was a “made man” Until I walked in on him banging the maid.
My wife and I were watching a man push a shopping cart with a ladder in it down the road. My wife said to me “do you think he asked to borrow the cart or did he just steal it,” I replied “probably the ladder.”
I think everyone is wrong about President Bolsonaro of Brazil. The man’s obviously a deeply committed environmentalist… After all, wiping out a sizable part of your population is a great way to save the rain forests.
Nurse: “We need a stool sample and a urine sample.” Man to wife: “What did she say?” Wife to husband: “They want your underwear.”
I shouldn’t have eaten that missionary, the cannibal said with a frown. It just goes to show, you can’t keep a good man down.
Husabnd and wife A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.” The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”
When a man has money to burn… …he’ll find a woman who’s a perfect match.
A judge was trying a man on the charge of shoplifting shirts and pants by wearing them out of the store. The judge saw the evidence and declared, “Guilty! Case Clothed!”
A man placed an advertisement, “Wife wanted”. The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine
Why did the man ask his boss for more salad? He thought he was due a celery increase.
“Sorry about the temperature down the mine today” “It’s coal man”
A Mans walking in a cemetery and he hears this noise… It sounded like someone was using a eraser. He walks towards a grave and it gets louder. So he digs up the casket and sees Mozart Erasing all of his music,and the man says “Mozart what are you doing!” Then Mozart says “I’m decomposing”
A man walks into an lift (elevator) He looks at the attractive woman inside and says, “Can I smell your vagina?”Horrified, she moves away from him,”No, you can not!””Oh ok, it must be your feet then”
A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”
A man enters into his bedroom with a goat in his hands. His wife is reading a book when the man suddenly says: ‘See, this is the cow I am having sex with when you have a headache.’ Wife puts the book down and says:’ Are you stupid? That is a goat, not a cow.”I’ve been talking to the goat’
A man in China was killed by a group of underaged doctors. He died by euthanasia.
Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you’re eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you’re caught! Think of your family, please! I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that’s a whisk I’ve go to take!
Why do sumo wrestlers avoid skydiving? Because a fat man falling to Japan is a bad idea
A lady went to fake her death to fool her boyfriend, she bought some jam and prepared… The boyfriend came home and immediately knew she was faking it.The lady frowned and asked “How did you know?” The man chuckled lightly and said “you used blueberry”
A young man is writing his grandmother a letter His friends sees it and asks him: who are you writing that letter?My grandma, the boy replies. Why are you writing so slowly? His friend asks him.She can’t read very fast!
A woman gets on an Elevator with a Man The Woman says “TGIF”So the man says “SHIT”The woman again says “TGIF”And again the man says “SHIT”So finally the woman explains TGIF means Thank God Its FridayAnd the man says SHIT means Sorry Honey Its Thursday
What did the carrot say to the cucumber that owed him money? Hey man, you knew the dill. Now you’re in a pickle, and I couldn’t carrot all.
i came home yesterday with 2 armchairs and a sofa that a kind man gave me in the park my dad got angry at me for taking suites from strangers
A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove… As he lubes up his glove, he says, “Don’t get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel.”The patient says, “My name isn’t Daniel.”The doctor says, “Mine is.”
An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy. He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes? The manager said, “what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time.”
What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan Nick at the disc co
Everyone knows the story of “doubting Thomas” and his reaction to the death and resurrection of Christ He was famously known for insisting on seeing the wounds for himself, and while most think it was because he didn’t believe the stories he was hearing, I know it was because he wanted to confirm that Jesus was indeed a holey man.
A man parks his car in a ‘disabled parking’ spot when a traffic policeman shows up. ‘Well well well sir,’ says the policeman while getting his coupon book ‘what is your handicap that allows you to park here?’After a brief moment of thinking the man awnsers: ‘Tourette’s sydrome, Cocksucker!’
What’s the difference between a Man and a Cucumber? Cucumbers don’t mind hiding in the fridge when your Mum gets home
One man cannot change the world … Unless obviously he eats an uncooked bat soup, then by all means!
I phoned 999 and told the guy that two men had just broken into my house and stolen my CDs. “Could you please give me a description of them?” the man asked.”Certainly,” I replied. “They’re round plastic discs on which music or other digital information is stored.”
A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman “Can I park here?” “No,” says the cop. “What about all these other cars?” “They didn’t ask!”
A man walks up to a millionaire fisherman Man: “Wow you must make a lot of money off fishing.”Fisherman: “Aye I do, last season I raked in over $500,000.”Man: “If you don’t mind me asking how much is your Networth?”Fisher: “This old net is worth around $200.”
Man was reading his wife’s suicide note Then he thought he could be a wonderful writer
Two plus sized woman walk into a bar At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: “Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!”Defiantly, one responds “It’s Wales!” The man corrects himself, “Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!”
Urinal etiquette tips It’s okay to say “Hi” to the man next to you at the urinal. It’s even okay to say “Hi, how’s it going?” It’s not okay to say “Hi. Nice watch!”
A manager examined a job application, then turned to the applicant and said, “For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary.” *”Well, the work is much harder when you don’t know what you are doing.”*
Can a tiger find the man cub? Shere Khan
I noticed a man passed out drunk so I stopped to check he was breathing I can confirm he was breathing. I also checked his pockets and I can confirm he now has no money.
What do you call a man that looks like a receipt? Bill.
A man walks into a vacuum cleaner store After browsing around for a while, he asked to see the manager. When the manager came, he asked, “Is there something wrong?” And then the man replied with, “Oh something’s wrong alright. Everything you sell sucks!”
My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day. Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust. Me: Oh, man thats terrible. Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.
A man walks into a library… Man: Do you have any books on Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat?Librarian: It rings a bell, but I’m not sure we have it or not.
What do you call an English man at a world cup final? A referee.
“What do you do when you see a space man? Park your car, man. “
A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, “Can’t you just use a sponge?”
A Man Has Been Stealing Tires From Police Cars The police have been working tire-lessly to catch him
The Russian Cossacks were legendary swordsmen. A man once insulted a cossack.Enraged, the cossack drew his sword.There was a flash of silver.Realising that he was still alive, the man laughed.”Ha you missed!”The cossack gave an evil smile. “Wait until you try nodding.”
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin’ Terry 🙁
6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes He tells the genie “I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona”
Did you hear Elton John hates lettuce? He’s more of a rocket man
“Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man. “
a man stabbed his salad 23 times. he said it was a historical reenactment
One day Pablo Picasso returned to his workshop and saw a thief running out… When the gendarmerie came to investigate, Picasso told them that he could draw a picture of the man. Armed with his drawing, the gendarmes quickly arrested a three-legged dog, a letter box, and the Eiffel Tower.
A man, renowned for rapidly building subterranean parking access for wealthy people that always followed the same design, was taken to the hospital after completing his 500th that year. After careful examinations, doctors diagnosed the man with car port tunnel syndrome.
China Online What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?Lo Ding
Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!
A man is in the hospital with 3rd degree burns to his legs. The doctor says to the nurse, “Give him two Viagra.” The nurse asks, “How will that help?” The doctor replies, “It will keep the sheets off his legs.”
A man walks into a Halloween party wearing nothing but his underpants and has a woman stuck on his back His friends see him and ask “What are you supposed to be?””A turtle” the man replied”What? How is that a turtle? and why is there a woman on your back? the friends ask”Oh, thats just Michelle”
The 107-year-old man was asked by a television crew what was the secret of his longevity. “It’s because I gave up sex,” he said.”When did you give up sex?” asked the reporter.”Just about fifteen years ago.””I see,” said the reporter. “And why did you give up sex?””I had to. I like older women and there weren’t any more left!”
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator It’s not cool man
Galileo Galilei Invented the Thermoscope Which is the Forerunner of the Rectal Thermometer. Galileo also created the theory of heliocentric orbits by studying near planets like Mercury. This led to the discovery of further planets like Uranus.This is a man who found two different ways to apply Mercury to Uranus.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
“A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that’s the last thing I need. “
A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump. What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser.
A delivery man is carrying a box to a house when, suddenly, he drops it: “Ups!”
NSFW A man returns to work on Tuesday after a long weekend due to his 25th wedding anniversary he had celebrated over the weekend. His buddies were happy to see him and wanted to know how his little vacation was. “Perfect!”, he replied. “I came home, and nobody was home. So I went upstairs to the bedroom and there she was; naked and on all fours, and she tells me happy anniversary, you can do whatever you want to me!His friends asked, “So what did you do!?!?”He replied, “I sent her to her mother’s!”
A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels in the park. He was feeding them to his dog.
A man enters a crowded ER after having lost a toy up his anus. The doctors are swamped with more urgent cases but the triage nurse sends the man to an empty or and tells him that he’ll be performing his own operation. A doctor comes up to the nurse and says “how do you expect that man to know how to perform such a complex procedure?” The nurse says “Oh, I’m sure he’ll finger it out”.
I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!
A man tells his wife “you’ve been watching the food channel for years and you’re still one of the worst cooks I know…” “Honey,” she replies, “for how many years you’ve been watching porn?”
WANTED: A mysterious man keeps waking me up whenever I’m about to sleep! 25,000 dollar reward for information if it leads to a rest.
If Christopher Walken gets an incurable and fatal disease… Would that make him a dead man Walken?
I was playing Oregon Trail I met a man named Terry. I chose to laugh at him for having such a girlie name. He pulled out a gun and shot me.I died from dissin’ Terry.
The man was standing naked in front of the mirror, “just 5 more centimeters… 5 more centimeters and I could’ve been the king” From the door, his wife giggled. ” Just 5 less centimeters and you could’ve been the queen instead”
A man gets himself a date and decides to surprise the girl with some flowers. He walks into a flower shop and the florist asks “Hey, what are you looking for, specifically?”The man says “To have sex”
A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home. Now he’s in a pickle.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You’ll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
A man is walking along the road when he sees his mother in law being attacked by five men. His wife asks, “Aren’t you going to help?”. The man says no five should be enough.
It is good for a man to meet a girl in a park It is even better for him to park his meat in a girl
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
A woman lent a blind man 100,000 dollars The blind man said: I’ll pay my debt when I see you.The blind man returned 1 week later. He pays the 100,000 dollars back and says:The surgery went well!
A man was diagnosed as bipolar, without any sort of medical examination He was caught fucking a female polar bear and a male penguin.
Police: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card? Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Only a fisherman will understand the struggle Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.
While leaving a grocery store, a customer dropped a bag of flour. A Scout ran to pick it up.“Don’t bother, young man,” said the customer. “It’s self-rising.”
As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?… Nah i better give them to this homeless guy
Once a man named his cats Spoon, Fork and Knife They were his Catlery
So I went into the park today and I saw a homeless man sitting on the wishing well with his pants down to his ankles. Well shit.
Dave was doing push up in a garden noticed a man intently observing him… Dave raised questioning eyebrows, the man said sorry to break it to you buddy but woman under you have long gone.
My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
A man was arrested while running in a wheat field. ..He was charged for going against the grain.
A man enters a butcher’s shop The man wants to buy some spread sausage: “Good morning, can I get some from the coarse and thick one, please?”Butcher: “I’m sorry, but she’s at trade school today.”
So i got 2 ‘O’ levels in Biology and metalwork… So if your Dog needs welding I’m your man…
A man visits Harvard Visitor in Harvard Square: “Excuse me, where’s the library at?”Harvard student: “Sir, this is Harvard. We don’t end our sentences with prepositions.”Visitor: “Oh, I’m sorry. I meant to ask, where’s the library at, asshole?”
“Why did the half blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well! “
I used to be a man locked in a woman’s body… but then I got born.
“Man, I really love my furniture… me and my recliner go way back. “
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I’ll plaster you.
I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your coconuts, this ain’t gonna be your average blowjob.As told to me by a passing homeless man yesterday…
A man was locked out of his apartment He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock…Because end of the day, communication is key.
I saw a man on the street dressed as Henry VIII. He was sitting on the sidewalk asking people for money.I thought, that can’t be right; beggars can’t be Tudors?
A woman has the last word in any argument. A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush today There’s no plaque
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man.
For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That’s really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c.
“A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts. “
A man walks into a library, asks the librarian, “Do you have the new book on living life with a small penis?” She searches her computer and says, “I Don’t See Anything, I Don’t Think Its In Yet.”The man says, “Yes, that’s the one!”
Amanda frowned at the man who had just proposed to her. “I’m sorry Mike,” she said. “I just can’t marry you.””Why not?” He asked. “Is there someone else?”The frown deepened. “Oh Mike… there must be.”
Ran into Robert Downey Jr. randomly at a club the other day He was in his Iron Man getup but without the helmet and was dancing with glow sticks by himself. Anytime anyone tried to come up to him, he’d push them away, curse at them, then continue dancing.He was Stark, raving mad.
The executioner decapitated the man in a single stroke, and then hacked him into pieces. Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it.
One man proposed that Geico switch their mascot to a kitten. “Now, with only 15 minutes, you can save 15 purr-cent on cat insurance”
An Indian man walk into a bar.. Let’s wait for him…
A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, “Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you.” The boy looks over and responds, “My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five”.The man replies, “And he ate that much chocolate?””No” says the boy, “But he minded his own fckng business.”
A farmer goes to his wife and says… “You know, if you were a real, real woman you’d give milk and we would ‘t need cows!”She looks at him, hesitates for a second, then responds.“Well, if you were a real man, we wouldn’t need farm hands!”
I met a new friend at the mall recently. He said to me , “I’m a man of few words.” And I replied, “Yeah, I’m married too.”
A man holding a violin asks a stranger how to get to the concert hall. Practise, practise, practise
A half indian-half Irish man married a half chinese-half Italian woman After much deliberation,they named their son Ravi O’Lee
An old man said to his grandson playing on a tablet…You younger generation are too dependent on technology. His grandson said…Which one of us needs a pacemaker to live?
A man exclaims, “I would die to fulfill my quest.. to create the perfect grain blend. I would make.. ..the ultimate sack of rice.”
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
I was teaching political correctness to my niece and I said, “Ok let’s say there’s someone named Michael or Mike for short, and if Mike delivers mail, he’s a Mail-man. Similarly if there’s someone named Jennifer who’s doing the same job what would you call her?” “Jenny”
My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night
I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors. He gave her arsenic.
What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.
Why did the Man send back his rabbit stew? Because there was a hare in it
A man gives dollar to a homeless person After he threw the dollar in his hat, he noticed a second hat. The man frowned and asked: “Why do you have two hats?””Well, you see…” Said the wanderer. “Business is going well these days so I recently opened my second store.”
A man touched a bare wire to see what would happen. What happened next shocked him. He remained unharmed.
if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright? Yeah, he will be 0K.
A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear Because he is unable to take a pooh
A new discovery is made pertaining to the ethnicity of Ancient Egyptian Kings Archaeologists have discovered that the kings of Ancient Egypt were in fact black. Upon unwrapping the gold sarcophagus they found the body of a dark chocolate skinned man. The legendary Pharaoh Rocher.
Robin hood gave a poor man a bag of gold “Here, poor man,” Robin hood smiled. “Take this bag of gold, I took it from a rich man.”“Thank you so much!” The man said as he got a little teary. “Now I’m rich!”Robin hood turned back to the man. “You’re what?”
A man has been found guilty for over using commas The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence
How did the Jewish man make grain into beer? Hebrew
How does the Autocorrect of an Alabama man word it when the man wants to demonstrate his happiness about something? Fucking Niece
A man goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf in his arse Doctor says “no worries we can remove this easily”Man replies “doc, this is just the tip of the iceberg”
“Doctor, I think I have ADHD. I can never remember where I parked my Ford.” Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.Man: But I keep losing my Focus.
A man came up to me in the park. “Excuse me,” he said, leaning on the bench, “have you seen a dog with five legs?””A dog with five legs?” I laughed. “Don’t be daft, dogs only have four.”He sighed.Then hopped off, shouting, “Has anyone seen my prosthetic limb?!”
Man talking to his Wife. Husband: Babe Do you believe in Heaven.?Wife: Yeah, why.?Husband: When we die, would you like to meet up with me in Heaven.?Wife: Fuck off, the deal was until death do us part.
A man walks into a bookstore and asks, “Got any books on turtles?” The shopkeeper replies, “Hardback?”The man says, “Yeah. And little heads.”
A man finally returns home from WWIII to his dog The dog asks: “Did you go for a walk without me?”The man replies:“No, Iran”
I got into an argument with a blind man. He just couldn’t see my point of view.
A man goes to see a wizard and says, “Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?” “Maybe,” says the wizard, “Can you remember the exact words of the curse?” The man replies, “I pronounce you man and wife.”
What did the police officer say to the white man running away with a TV? “Sir, you dropped your receipt!”
A child who is critically ill is taken under the Make-A-Wish foundation Her first wish is to meet Captain America and Thor so Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth arrive at the hospital.After a long meeting session, the two of them ask her what her next wish is.”I want to meet Iron Man now”
A man walks into a bank He’s wearing a mask goes up to counter and makes a finger gun symbolThe clerk asks him still in shock ‘i- i- is- this a stick up’The man looks at the ground and goes ‘No!, I forgot my gun this is a fuck up’
What did one snowman say to the other snow man? Do you smell carrot?
Reporter: “This local man is suffering with a disease that causes holes to suddenly appear on his body.” “Tonight, on the 6PM news, he opens up about his problem.”
“What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y. “
What do you call a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future. The Man Delorean
I Can’t stop watching doomsday films like The End of the World (1916), The War of the Worlds (1953), Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), The day the Earth stood still (1951) The Omega Man (1971) It’s like there’s no tomorrow.
Apparently the man was smothered to death between a pair of breasts. There was no sign of a struggle.
Two friends met after a long time. First one said: my wife is an angle. Second one replied: You are very lucky man. Mine is still alive.
A Hasidic man, with a long beard, payis, a kaftan (long black coat), and shtreiml (the traditional fur hat), walks into a bar with a multi-colored parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says: “Where’d you get that?”The parrot replies: “Brooklyn. There’s thousands of them.”
A man asks the waiter : “Do you serve crabs here?” “Take a seat. We serve everybody.”
A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified… “See? See what I have to bang when you’re not in the mood?” The sheep says “Myyyyyyyy god. You weren’t lying…”
Have you heard about the man who recently died working at the glasses factory? Apparently he fell right into the glass grinder, making a spectacle of himself.
A couple is watching TV together… …and the man keeps switching channels back and forth between golf and porn over and over again.Finally, his partner says “Jesus Christ,can you stop doing that please? Just leave it on porn! You already know how to play golf.”
What’s the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler? Practice.
I was checking out at supermarket today when I noticed the man in front of me put only one thing on the conveyor belt… A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on the belt and said “looks like we’ve both bought something to put on our sausages”
How to Order Soup A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, “I think I will have the turtle soup.”The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter, “Hold the turtle, make it pea!”
I went to the beach yesterday and stopped at this stall with a sign that said “Lobster Tails $1”. I thought that was a good deal, so I gave the man the money and he said “Once upon a time there was a lobster…”
A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”
A man walks into a magic forest A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
How do you know a man is a programmer? Send him shopping and tell him: “Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10.” If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he’s a programmer.
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!
The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn’t talking to you, said the judge. I didn’t say a word, said the third.
What did the network/IT man say to the doctor? IT hertz when IP.
Why did the Hispanic man keep purchasing trains? I’m not quite sure myself honestly but he has to have some sort of locomotive.
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
A group of dudes are walking through the park They see a young pair banging in the bushes. One of the dudes can’t help himself but comment:”Hey, man, leave some for us!””I can’t, I inserted everything.”
Trump says he’s a self-made man. I think it’s decent of him to take the blame.
At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON” The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”
Why did the poor man stock up on yeast? To make some dough.
A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea. When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot. “Ow!” yells the man, “I asked for this to be room temperature!” “It is, sir” says the waiter “The kitchen is on fire.”
A guy walks into a Kinkos and asks, “Do you have any colored printers?” To which the clerk responds, “It’s 2016 man. You can use any printer you want.”
A man was eating out a woman He’s almost done, so he looks up and asks ‘Ready to have sex’?She repliesYou have my cunt scent
A Man and God met at bar. Both exclaimed, “*My creator*!”
Give a man a loaf of bread and he’ll eat for a week Give that same man a fishing pole and he’ll die of internal bleeding.
A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, “I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?” Mall guy: Oh sure.Man, grabbing the mike: I’m vegan.
A man from Alabama opened his fridge… He looked around inside, closed the fridge and yelled to his wife:”Honey! We’re out of bread!”The wife came into the room with a new loaf.”Don’t worry,” she said. “We’re in bread.”
Meanwhile At The Pearly Gates Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.”Name ?”, said Jesus.”Joseph.””Occupation?””Carpenter.”Jesus become excited. “Did you have a son?””Yes.””Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?””Yes!”… read more
Two friends were talking to each other in a bar… “I bought my wife a diamond ring for her birthday!”, one man proudly exclaimed.”I thought you said that you were buying her a new car,” the other questioned.”Yeah, but where was I gonna find a fake car?”
Why was the man fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t working with enough shifts.
“A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm. He said “Two beers please, one for me and one for the road.” “
A Limerick There once was a man from Port CrownWho went to a doctor in town.The doc gave to heA sup-po-si-to-ry.”I will not take this sitting down!”
No Good Question Goes Unbilled… A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was. The lawyer says, “$100 for three questions.””Isn’t that a bit steep?” asked the man.”Yes,” said the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”
The local Ice Cream man was found dead on the floor of his van, covered in nuts, sprinkles and sauce. The police think he topped himself.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
A dsylexic man walks into a bra Read it again if you didnt get it
Two black guys are peeing off a bridge The first one looks at the other and says, “man it’s cold”.The second one replies, “yeah, and it’s deep too.”
I tried to translate a joke from my native language A man walks into a gardening store and asks the clerk: “Have you got anything for ants?”The clerk replies with: “Well, we’ve got insecticide…”Tha man frowns and says: “Are you crazy?! It says on the can that it kills them!”
A Rabbit, a Monkey and a Llama walks into a bar. The bartender looks at them, and goes:” I think you’re ALL in the wrong joke.”The rabbit says :”Man this is worse than when I was just a typo.”
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.” Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
The man who invented the television remote control passed away today They found him at home between the couch cushions.
I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday. I couldn’t see any.
Did you know the inventor of the typewriter was unknown until recent discoveries in China? The new discoveries point to a man named Tye Ping
Vegan lady and a butcher A vegan lady went on a blind date with a man. She asked him what do you do for a living. He said he is a butcher. The lady said “eww that’s grouse”.The butcher replied “a person who sells vegetables is grocer”.
A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family. Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.
When I was in the supermarket, I saw a man and a woman both dressed as barcodes … I think they were an item.
Man Talking to God About Woman Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God says: “So you would love her.” “But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?” God says: “So she would love you.”
A man who runs in front of a car gets tired, a man who runs behind a car gets exhausted.
A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and 1 foot wide. Printer: “Why do you need pages that long?”Man: “Well, it’s a long story.”
I think my new Simpsons shirt is a knock-off It says “don’t halve a cow, man”. They really butchered the catchphrase.
A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk. He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence
My Nan just got this cool senior citizen scooter And man is that thing fast. It can do 30 aisles per hour!
An atom loses an electron… it says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!
Man enters zoo enclosure to feed the tigers… Succeeds
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None, reports say he fell
A drunk man ran over a policeman, and immediately dials 911 – 911?- Yes- Well, now you’re 910.
Why doesn’t the Weather Man ever carry valuables on them once the humidity level gets above 70%? It gets a bit muggy
Why couldn’t the man find his mouse or keyboard? He had bad peripheral vision
I asked a girl whether she would date a blue-collar man like me She said blue or white don’t matter, she’s collar blind.
True story! A 55-year-old Walmart cashier winked at me as she handed back my change the other day. People’s Sexiest Man title, here I come.
A Russian is travelling to Poland… and he is stopped to be checked by an officer.”Name?” the officer asked.”Vlad Dobrynin,” the man answered.”Nationality?””Russian.””Occupation?””No, no, just visiting.”
A man and a prostitute are sharing a meal He gives her his peas. She gives him herpes.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man out of a plane, and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park I asked him “Why are you eating grass?”He said “I am very hungry”I replied “Oh, okay then. Come with me.”You should’ve seen his face when I showed him my backyard.
Down at the farmers market and a man dress as a pirate was selling corn for 1$ It was a buccaneer
A man wanted to marry his sister, but it was illegal in his state. So they bought a house and he installed a single stair out front.Putting a step in front makes it perfectly legal.
A guy goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The guy is a black man from Nigeria and is wearing the colorful ceremonial garb from his native land. The bartender says, “What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?” “Africa,” replies the parrot.
“Dad,” said my son during the music performance, “who’s that dead Jamaican man waving his stick around?” I said, “Son, he’s decomposer.”
So my parents were “debating” at the dinner table the other night Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men. I’m seeing a double standard here. Why isn’t there a term for an older man who desires young women? What is he called?Dad: Smart.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.” “Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
A man walks into a doctors office. The doctor asks what’s bothering the man and he says “Doc, I’ve eaten something that disagrees with me” Just then his stomach rumbles and says “No you didn’t”
A man is walking down the street with a length of string trailing behind him … Why are you pulling that string along ? asked a nosey cop. The mans answer? “You try pushing it”!
An old man is walking around with his zipper opened. His wife notices and turns to him and tells him to zip up his zipperWhich he relpies, “Why? What cant get up can’t get out.”
I saw a poster on a tree with a man’s face. It read: “MISSING PERSON! REWARD £150”. Would you believe it…I was out on a pleasant walk the day after when I found that very guy tied up in the woods down by the river.So regretfully, I had to give him the £150.
Man: I love my women like fine wine. Woman: To enjoy them after dinner? Man: Secretly and securely hidden in my basement.
A man orders soup at a restaurant. The waiter brings the soup, the man doesn’t eat, he asks the waiter to taste:-Is there anything wrong sir?-No just taste it.-I can change it for you-I want you to taste it!-But..-Do it!-Ok, where’s the spoon?-Exactly, go bring me a spoon!
Did you hear Charlize Theron has been cast in the next Ant-Man movie? It’s going to be called “Subatomic Blonde.”
The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: “Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?””No your Highness,” the man replied, “but my father was.”
I’m Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.
Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster? A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.
“How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning? He was a good conductor. “
A man has been arrested for publically masturbating while reading out loud from a law book, all the while imagining legal cases. Though he got off on a technicality.
2 men discussing why they joined the army…. “I’m not married and I like war, so I joined the army.” says the first man.The second one replies, “I’m married and I like peace.”
Why did the man decide to sell his vacuum? It was just collecting dust.
(Not mine) A man in a trench coat walks up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench He opens up his coat at them, the first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, the third old lady absolutely refused to touch it.
DmX meets Prince Phillip at the pearly gates DMX meets Prince Phillip at the Pearly Gates after DMX dies at 50 years old. Prince Phillip scoffs at him. “50?!”.DMX says “Nah man, you got me confused with that other rapper.”
I woke up and watched the Religion channel for a change… And there was a man shouting at me on the tv. “YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS, BUT YOU HAVE ALREADY SINNED TODAY!”. “But I just woke up, I’m still in bed”, I thought. I rolled over and asked my sister if I had sinned today.
What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.
Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife… She says, “Oh man, I’m a huge fan! I’ve got every one of your albums except the first one.” He says, “I find your lack of ‘Faith’ disturbing”.
Blind man walks into a shopping mall Picks up his lead dog by the leash and starts spinning over his head. Security: ah, sir, what are you doing?Blind man: nothing, why? Just looking around.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it!
I never understood how a grown man could cry at his own wedding. That was until my father in law prodded me with his shotgun.
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, ” 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?”The man replies, ” like a glove.”
Pouring rain, New York City. A drunk hails a cab. Cabbie rolls down the windo, the drunk man says “hey mister, do you gave room for half a chicken and a six-pack in here”?Annoyed, the cabbie says “sure”the drunk says BLUGHHHHHH
Why was the man fired from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn’t concentrate.
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building… He yells ‟Do not do it! You’ve so much potential!”
TIL On May 25th 2001, a blind man named Erik Weihenmayer climbed the top of Mount Everest… When asked how he feels, he said “I’m gonna kill that fucking guide dog of mine!”
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and asks: madam, would you sleep with me for 1 million dollars? WOMAN: yeah, sure. MAN: How about for 10 dollars? WOMAN: 10 dollars? What kind of woman do you think I am?! MAN: We’ve already established what kind of woman you are, now we’re just negotiating the price.
I opened my GIF file and there was something wrong with it. The computer screen became blank and the GIF came to life. The man from the GIF rushed toward me , said something and sprinted out of my room He said “I’ll be back in a GIPHY”
How much do you charge? (NSFW) A man goes to a lawyer’s office and asks him, how much do you charge?The lawyer responds: I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?Yes. What’s your third question?
What did the man get for losing the most amount of muscle? Atrophy
Why did the man cover himself in fake shit? Because it was _sham poo_
Is it okay to compare a man getting “the snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied? After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
A man walks up to a store and trys to get in but the door is locked. The store’s employee yells through the door “sorry we’re closed” “But your sign says open 24 hours!” says the man. The employee yells back “not in a row”
I climbed the stairs and saw a man standing on the edge about to jump. “Don’t do it!” I screamed. “Your life is worth more than that!”Anyway, then he jumped, and I was escorted down from the diving board.
Man this book on natural selection is really fascinating me I wonder if there are any other books about the Darwin awards
What is it called when Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up? Alloys.
What is it called when an injured man dies from food poisoning? Soup de grace.
I told this gamer chick… You wanna experience the fastest data transfer rate known to man? She was very excited until I unzipped my pants.:rimshot:
What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection? “internyet!”
She Left Him A man’s wife left him because he couldn’t stop counting.She’s not sure what he’s up to now.(Credit to Brian & Ron Boychuck)
Doctor: you’ll soon be at peace Man: am I dying?Doctor: no, your wife is
Cop: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.’ Man: ‘Wait! I can explain everything!’
A man was recently admitted to the emergency room because of a tendency to talk with his hands too much. He was diagnosed with gesticular cancer.
A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he’s checking in, he says to the clerk, “I’m on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled”The clerk replies in disgust, “It’s just regular porn, you sick fuck”
“A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain” “
A good metaphor for today’s youth is the book Peter Pan… Kids sneak out. Get high on dust together. Beat up handicapped man, and steal his boat.
So two men walk into a tie shop The first men asks “Do you want to have a race to see who can put it on the quickest” The second man responds “nah we will probably end up in a tie
In Wisconsin a woman donated a kidney to a dairy farmer and he was so grateful he agreed to marry her. The preacher said: “what God has joined let no man put asunder.” The groom interrupted: “what’s asunder?” The preacher said “apart.” The farmer said “a part of what?” “Apart from your wife” said the now frustrated minister. The groom said “shit! I already got a part from her.”
Man: Judge, I want to contest 80% of my parking tickets. Judge: Repeat infractions?Man: Ok. I want to contest 4/5 of my parking tickets.
A Jewish man walks into a cafe in Canada and asks the waiter if they have any Canadian Jews “I’m sorry,” the waiter replied. “We only have orange!”
Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
The judge says to the bailiff, “Bailiff, what is this man charged with?” Judge: *Bailiff, what is this man charged with?*Bailiff: *Your honor, this is man is charged with BIGOTRY! He had THREE wives!*Judge (shouting): *BAILIFF! Havin’ three wives is not BIGOTRY!   It’s* ***TRIGONOMETRY!***
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. ‘That’s one too many!’ says the customer. The clerk replies ‘It’s a freebie.’
A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder. He argued that there was no way he could have done it, as he was in vacation in Prague for the week of the killing. The FBI took note of his travel records and let him go; his alibi czeched out.
The police almost arrested a man for wanking to a caution sign But he got off with a warning
I saw a man on a date with his really hot wife and I jokingly asked him how he wound up with a woman so beautiful. He said, I put my hands on her I am a misogynist. I was shocked and bewildered and looked to the wife for an explanation but she turned to her husband and said, honey you have to say “massage therapist”.
A woman is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. “Help, shark! Help!” he cries.     The woman laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.
One man is walking a tightrope. Another is getting a blow job from a 90 year old lady. Both have the same thought at the same time. What is it?Don’t look down.
Give a man a shirt, and he’ll wear it once Tell a man he looks good in it, and he’ll wear it for a lifetime
When you treat a burn with topical cream but then you wash your hands: “Man, now I have to do that Aloe Vera again”
Why was the man at the cookout so happy? He met the grill of his dreams.
My Dad used to work with a man named Mr. Pigg. He had two beautiful daughters, which he named… Imma and Urra.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork. The poor man dyed a loan.
A man stumbles out of a bar on St. Patrick’s day, bumps into a policeman, and burps right in his face! The cop, though startled, calmly directs him to a taxi without issue. There was a presumption of Guinness hints.
Such an unfair world, when a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $5.00/min (charges may vary).
So my wife and I just had our first child. A man ran into the delivery room and stole our child’s umbilical cord. The search lasted for days. We thought there was no hope in finding the cord. A few days later we were advised that the man and the cord were found. He was hiding on a navel base.
What do you call a man named David without an ID? Dav.
Bob Ross used to say, “There are no mistakes, just happy little accidents.” Lovely man, terrible driving instructor.
I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out “Help, does anyone know CPR?!” “Yes!” I cried. “They’re three letters in the alphabet!” Everyone laughed Well, except for one guy, I guess he didn’t get the joke.
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank…… Give a man a bank and he’ll rob everyone.
What do you call a serious man with a scythe that sneaks around outside people’s windows? The grim peeper.
An obese man wants to lose a few pounds, goes to see a specialist… An Obese man wants to lose a few pounds, goes to see a specialist…He’s in the lobby for an hour before the doc calls him in.Doc: I apologize for your wait. Man: Don’t, *I’m* the one that can’t stop eating.
A wise man advised a pediatrician and a physician not to follow his advice. This became a paradox for a pair of docs.
Why did the man get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.
A wise man told me that the mobile network carrier you choose says a lot about your life No wonder I use Virgin Mobile.
By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly “A man who lays with another man should be stoned”Edit : Thanks for the silver kind strangers
A man walks into a bar an drinks 10 straight double whiskys one after the other, suddenly he keels over rubbing his stomach head bowed, barman says to the man, ‘what’s the matter?’ Man says ‘I shouldn’t of drank that whisky with what I’ve got’, barman says ‘why what have you got?’ Man says 2quid
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, ‘You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.’ ‘Now settle down,’ the doctor calmly told him. ‘You’ll just have to learn to be a little patient.’
A duck walked into a Harry Potter toy store, and he said to the man, running the store: “hey… got any Snapes?”
Teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene. When she looked at Johnny’s picture, she saw Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a big fat man. When she inquired about the fat man, Johnny said, “That’s round John Virgin.”
One day, I was taking a selfie with a bear in the forest. An old man yelled at me ‘what is this nonsense?’. I apologised, ‘Bear with me’.
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, ‘Are you seriously hurt?”How should I know?’ the man answers, ‘I’m not a lawyer!’
Saw a man at the supermarket today who was saying the most nasty things while walking up and down the aisle, picking different kinds of breakfast-food off the shelves, shouting at the boxes and putting them back again. I asked the manager what his problem was. Turns out the guy’s a cereal offender.
“What did the doctor say to the gingerbread man who broke his leg? Try icing it. “
I pushed a Chinese man down the stairs… It was Wong on many levels
A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there’s complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear: “watch out, he’s trying to take your donut.
On pride month, the trans man spoke about how free he felt after his surgery. It was like a huge weight off his chest.
My buddy Brian had a kid a few years ago. He comes to me this summer and he goes… “Man, my son just flunked the third grade. I don’t know how to tell him he will be held back a year.”I was like, “I guess you better tell him slowly so that he will get it.”
A man walks into a bar That was in 2006, detectives are still unable to find Brian Shaffer and his disappearance is still a mystery.
I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit’s feet… I thought, “Well he’s pushing his luck!”
A man is being asked customs questions at a Ukrainian airport “Nationality?”“Russian.”“Occupation?”“No, I’m just visiting”
When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said… “Yes we are, son.”
It’s dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man’s hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees… “I’m scared” said the little girl.”You’re scared?!” Said the man. “At least you don’t have to walk back alone!”
I used to be a motorcycle courier… Man those things are heavy..
A man goes to the Doctor and says: “Help, Doc. I’m scared of letters.” Doctor: Are you?Man: Aahh!Doctor: Oh, you are. Man: Aaaaahhhhh!Doctor: It’s okay , I see! Man AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
We’ve all made mistakes. I made a left turn once…. It wasn’t right, man.
I told a Hispanic man that I was trying to come up with a term that would describe low resolution video He suggested “poor k”.
A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him, “Sorry about your weight.”
A man drops his coin into the wishing well… ” I wish I had a giant cock!”Wish granted. Cause of death, 2 metre cock shoved up his ass. Giant still at large.
Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs. Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu.
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. ‘You can’t cut me down,’ the tree complains. ‘I’m a talking tree!’ The man responds, ‘You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.’
A man caught his sister masturbating with a cucumber. Man: “Eww! That’s my dinner! You’re making it taste like cucumber!”
What do you call a Turkish man named Robert? Kebob.
I asked my friend if I should get a foot stool Hey said you otto-man
A man was walking along a solitary forest path when he came across a fork in the road. He stopped and pondered for a second….and then he picked the fork up, dusted it off and used it to eat his lunch.Can’t let a perfectly good utensil go to waste.
A man who breaks the world record for longest survived coma is rewarded with atrophy
There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he’ll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five. Of course i left him hanging.
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whisky He gulps them down quickly. Bartender asks “What’s the occasion?”Guy replies “First blowjob”Bartender “Wow, can I buy you another?”Guy retorts “No, if 3 don’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will”
Two goldfish are sitting in a tank, one turns to the other and says… “You man the turret, I’ll drive”
“Hey man, did your Geography teacher tell you what the newest US state is?” “ I don’t know, but Alaska.”
Did you hear the man who invented the USB port died? At his funeral they lowered the casket….Then raised it, turned it around, and lowered it again.
Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
One day, a zookeeper is walking around the zoo when he sees a man throwing $20 bills into all the exhibits he passes. “Why are you throwing money into those cages?” asks the zookeeper.”Because that sign says it’s okay,” says the man, pointing to a sign.The zookeeper looks up at the sign. It says, “Do not feed animals. $20 fine.”
What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.
What was the man feeling after he got swindled right under Big Ben? He was ticked off.
CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY… Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.Man who leaps off cliff jumps to … read more
A man forgot to zip his trousers… so a lady told him politely… “Sir your garage is open.” The man gave her a naughty smile and zipped his trousers and asked.. “Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?”The lady smiled back and said..“No, just one small Toyota with two flat tires.”
A man walks into a library and asks if there’s any books about turtles… Librarian: hardback?Man: Yea with little heads
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
A young man was shopping in a department store. He sees an extremely attractive salesgirl and says, “I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife, but I don’t know her size.” “Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. “Oh, yes,” he answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours.” “Will there be anything else?” the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves. “Now that you mention it,” he replied, “she also needs a bra and panties.”
A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest The man enters the bank.Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgageEmployee: I don’t really care.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up… They’d be alloys.
Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen. He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:”Man, Chester, you Knighted!”
Q: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? A: Eclipse it
Man.. you stomp on just one mouse till it’s dead.. And everyone loses their mind and I get in a ton of trouble. Disneyland sucks.
I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back I said “where are you going?”He replied “Fancy dress party””What as?” I asked”Tortoise” the man shouted back”Who’s she?” I questionedTo which he responded “That’s Michelle”
What Do You Call A Man Who Takes Huge Pride Over The Size Of His Balls ? Egotesticle
A man walks up to a pregnant woman at a bus stop “When is it due” he asks.“Two weeks” she replies.“I guess I’ll just walk then” he responds.
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar… They both get pissed drunk and pass out. The man wakes up, pays his tab, begins to leave and the bartender points and says:“Oi! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!”The man turns and says:“It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”
Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man, is to lick his ears for 10 minutes. Personally, I think it’s nuts.
Man: Doc, all 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking sons’ disease I have ever seen.
I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years… Wait… I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?
What should you do when you want to employ a dishonest man with wings to purchase threads of metal that transfer electricity across dangerous swamps? Hire liar flyer Sire Dire Mire Wire Buyer!(I thought of this several years ago. My girlfriend doesn’t like it, possibly because I am overly proud of it. Hoping some of you get some enjoyment out if it though!)
Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends, This guy is not your man. This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.
A man is checking in for a flight from Russia to America. Airport staff check his suitcase and see that he only has a bottle of vodka and a knife.They ask him: is this all your luggage?He replies: if I had something else, I would not go to America.
A man found a magic lamp with a genie that offered him three wishes. The man said, “For my first wish, I’d like to be rich.” “Okay, Rich,” said the genie. “What would you like for your second wish?”
A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. “Who is it?” She asked. The voice back replies “It’s the blind man, can I come in?” The Nun thinks for a moment and says “yes that’s fine”. The door opens and the man says. Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?
A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going. “I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response.“A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?”“My wife,” the drunk man answers.
A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a cucumber “What are you doing?” he shouts, “I have to eat that later, and I don’t want it tasting like cucumber!”
What do you call a shapeshifter that turns into a human after being an owl? A who man.
A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says “did you know that everytime I breathe somebody’s dies?” The fellow turns to him and says “have you tried mouthwash?”
A blind man trips on a bottle That’s all.Didn’t see that one coming, did ya?
In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook’s right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew… Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee
Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts: “How do I get to the other side?” The second shouts back: “You are on the other side!”
I listened to him boast about standing head and shoulders above the rest and how he felt it was acceptable, even encouraged, to look down on others. I realized I couldn’t cast a vote for this man. He was a height supremacist.
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says “Okay, you man the guns. I’ll drive.”
Man it was really raining cats and dogs today. Sure hope I don’t step in a poodle.
An Indian tracker is teaching his son the family trade After a day of analyzing prints and tracks, the old man laid his head down on the plain. After a moment, he said “Buffalo come.”The son excitedly asked “How can you tell? Can you hear the hoof beats?”“No” he replied. “Ear sticky.”
What do you call a Japanese man with a head wound? An ambulance
A man calls 911 one day and frantically asks them to bring an ambulance Man: “My 14 year old son was entering the mine to find coal but he stubbed his toe on the entrance! Please bring an ambulance quickly!”911: “Sir I’m sorry but this is nothing we can do. We don’t deal with such minor issues”
With the second lockdown looming, I saw a man purchase 3 crates of San Miguel, 2 bottles of tequila, 6 bags of paella and a sombrero. I think hispanic buying.
A man walked into a psychiatrist’s office with a pancake on his head… … a fried egg on each shoulder, and a piece of bacon over each ear. “What seems to be the problem?” asked the psychiatrist. The man said: “I’m worried about my brother.”
I just found out the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team. He’s the pitcher.
A known and loved goverment official is going car to car The whole of congress has been captured and terrorists are threatening to douse them in gasoline and burn them if we don’t fork over $10,000,000,000The man hands him a 10 and asks how much people donate on average.Roughly a gallon was his reply.
“A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks…… “”Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”” “
Why can’t the man ghost have babies? Because he has a Hallo-weenie (Maybe leave this one until the kids aren’t around!)
My dad always used to tell me “there’s never a wrong time to speak your mind” Admirable man.Terrible mime.
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of men if this was a sign of growing equality.”No” the man replied. “Landmines.”
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Dead, probably…
A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?”His wife replies, “For the flowers of course.”He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?”
Man goes to the cardiologist “So, how many beers do you have per day?” the cardiologist asked.”Four,” the man responded.”But last time I said you could only have two!””Yes, but my physician also said I could have two.”
The government will send a martial artist after you if you violate copyright law IP Man
Three old women are sitting at a park bench, talking about the weather when suddenly a naked man runs past them. Th first woman has a stroke. the second one has a stroke as well. the third one almost had a stroke, but her arms were too short.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
A man with authority walks into a bar. He orders everybody around. (Must admit this is a re-post from another thread I read that made me chuckle)
A joke my Grandmother told me today. So a termite walks into a bar. He sits down on one of the stools and asks the man behind the counter “Is the bar tender here?”
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked puzzled. “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
A man walks into a bar and asks for helicopter flavour crisps. The barman says “sorry, we only do plain”
What should you do if you come across a man eating crocodile? Wipe it off, apologize, and leave him to finish his exotic meal in peace.
A man walks into a library. “Hey! How much for a hot dog?” He asks the librarian.The librarian says, “are you crazy? This is a library!””Oh, sorry about that.” He answers.”^How ^much ^for ^a ^hot ^dog?” ^He ^whispers.
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? An ambulance
after the invisible man had kids he became a cross dresser. You could say he was a… trans parent
I asked an old man: “Even after 95 years, you still call your wife ‘Darling’, ‘Honey’, ‘Love’. What’s the secret?”The old man replied: “I forgot her name years ago and I’m scared to ask her!!!!!!
Why’d the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He’s an excellent parallel Parker.
What time did the man go to the dentist Tooth hurt-y.
Why do the Japanese hate Christmas? Because the last time a Fat Man came to town, they lost half their population.
A beggar asks a man for 5 bucks. Man: “What do you need 5 bucks for?”. Beggar: “I need it to buy drugs”. Man: “Oh yeah? And how do i know you won’t spend it on food?”
Why did the man with celiac disease eat a loaf of bread?… He was a gluten for punishmentSorry if this offends anyone with gluten issues. Our son can’t have gluten right now, so this joke came to me while I was toasting him some gluten-free bread.
Back in the 80’s, Brian was walking in Belfast when he was accosted by a masked man, brandishing a gun The masked man asked “Are you a Catholic or a Protestant”? Brian replied “Neither, I’m an Atheist”The masked man was silent for a moment, then finally said:”Is that a Catholic Atheist or a Protestant Atheist”?
A man sent love letters to his crush for years, and even one day wrote, that he was going to be visiting her house, when he showed up, she asked “who are you” The man should have considered that he was a doctor and all she knew was his handwriting
A man attacks a woman wearing a fur coat.. ..and shouts at her angrily – “Do you have any idea how many minks had to die for you to wear that fur??””It is not mink, it’s polyester!””Doesn’t matter!! Do you know how many polyesters had to die!?”
A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table The woman asks her husband: “Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?” The man replies: “I thought – damn, I would like to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out.”The woman blushes and asks: “What do you think now?”The man says: “I think, I did a pretty good job with that.”
Why can’t you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi? He’s still alive. (Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)
A tire was talking to a hubcap after a roadtrip The tire says “man I’ve had a long day.” The hubcap replies “I feel you, are you exhausted?”And the tire says “no, that’s the guy in the back, I’m just tired.”
Did you hear about the man in camo underpants? Nobody saw him coming!
A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What do you want?” The man says, “Oh, just some fruit punch.” The bartender sighs and shakes his head, “If you want punch, you’re gonna have to wait in line.” The man looks around, but there is no punchline.
A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, What do you want? The man says, Oh, just some fruit punch. The bartender sighs and shakes his head, If you want punch, you’re gonna have to wait in line. The man looks around, but there is no punchline.
A man went into surgery to remove his tonsils. Due to a hospital error he got circumcised.Media was alerted by an anonymous tip.
A man filled his a mine cart with fresh ore and pushed it out of the cave After a long day of work, he decided to play some sports with his friends. There was an accident, which caused the man to die.This shows that miner errors can have huge consequences.
A man bought an olympic condom pack Husband: Hey see I got a olympic condom packWife: huh, what is thatHusband: It has condoms named with medals. Let ne use the gold one.Wife: Nah use the silver one.Husband: Why?Wife: You should come second for a change
A man argued with his wife over whether or not he stood with a hunch For months he maintained that his posture was fine. Finally, to prove her wrong, he made an appointment with a posture specialist. When he returned, his wife asked if the specialist agreed with her and helped him. He replied, “I stand corrected.”
A man made a motorcycle completely out of wood It had a wooden engine, a wooden frame, wooden tires, wooden gas tank, everything was wood.But did he ride it?No, wooden start….
“A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink. “
A couple has been married for 12 and a half years and the man wants to surprise his wife So he tells her that they’re going to Iceland. His wife, all excited, replies: “Wow Iceland! That’s so far away. So what will your plan be when we are married for 25 years?!””Then I’ll come pick you up again.”
My dad rubs Elmers Glue on his hands like lotion before he goes hunting. I know, it’s weird, and I’ve tried talking him out of it… But he’s sticking to his guns on this one. Stubborn man.
Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and they say that it’s -50°C in Siberia today… In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:\- Hey, I’ve heard is super cold in Siberia these days?\- Nah, it’s nothing special, about -25°.\- Yeah? On TV they’ve said it’s -50° C!\- Ah, this must be outside.
A man comes into the courthouse and says… “Hello, my name is Alexander Dickwank.” “That’s… unfortunate”, replies the clerk, “are you here for a name change?” “Indeed, I would like to change my first name to Edward.”
“Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash! “
Hispanic girls can not be a man’s peace. Its literally in their name. (His)(panic)
A German man goes on holiday to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it’s an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions”Name?””Hans Schmidt””Age?””32″”Place of birth?””Dusseldorf””Occupation?” “No, jus… read more
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.
What do you call a man with an axe over his head? Sort of Damocles
That Kool-Aid Man is a terrible actor Always breaking the fourth wall
My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me if I’ve seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question. But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
A man with a drum came to my door I told him to beat it
A German man visiting France He’s stopped at customs. The officer asks him, “Name?””Hans Muller” replies the German.”Occupation?””No, just visiting this time.”
A man saw a dog named frost. It wagged its tail as people walked by. The man went to pet it but this dog lashed out and injured his hand.”I didn’t know frost bites.”
Why was the man with hummus spilled on his shirt called kinky? Because he had some chick-pea all over him.
A man walks into a bar “Who the fuck painted my whole motorcycle pink??”A 2m tall muscular guy gets up from the table: “Me, why?””Nothing, paint is dry and it’s time for the second coat”
Cargo Space So, a man goes into a car dealership. He asks the dealer, “cargo space?”. The dealer replies “car no do that. car go road.”
A wise man once said:”never trust atoms!” “They make up everything”I’ll see my way out
A lonely, angry young man started to keep a spreadsheet of all the women who he thought had wronged him. It was the incel’s Excel.
A man was sentenced to death because be wouldn’t stop banging on about the size of his testicles. He was publicly hung.
A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, “Pig!” The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, “Bitch!” They continue on their way, and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
A Man walks into a bar and Orders 3 shots of Whisky, The Bartender asks “What’s got you down” The man says “I just found out my Niece is gay.” The next day he orders 4 shots of Whisky The Bartender asks “What’s got you down now?” The man says “I just found out my son is gay.” The next day he orders 6 shots of whisky The Bartender says “Got anybody who likes Women?” The man says “My wife does.”
A man named his children second, minute and hour, and thus he was nicknamed father time One day, they was all in their house and a robber burst through the front door and said, ‘nobody move!’ When recalling the event, second said, it was like time stood still’
I met a man in the park with a wooden leg named Smith. I asked him what his other leg was called.
A man was finishing reading a book when all of a sudden he had an urge to start masturbating. He finished at the end of the book You can say he *Came to a conclusion*
I saw a man fall on the ground and his wife yelled, “Someone call him an ambulance!” So I yelled back “Hey dude, you’re an ambulance!” and left. Hope he’s ok.
A man walks up to me and says.. ..”Why are you making a fire around the pot of water you are in?”I say “Sorry, just trying to build my self a-steam.”
Man who has no sense of humor… has a serious problem.
A man tells his friend he just opened a brothel. “$100 for anal and $50 for a blow job”, says the man. His friend asks “How much for the pussy?”.“Nah” says the man, “I don’t have any employees yet”.
BREAKING NEWS: A man was presented into the ER after shoving 6 plastic horses up his ass… Doctors say that his condition is stable.
A joke I’ve translated from my language that I found pretty funny: A man is passing through a cemetery at night, as he passes through he sees a woman sitting near a grave. Worried he goes over and asks why she’s sitting next to a grave. The woman replies: I felt hot inside so I came out.
A blind man walks into a bar And then a table… And then a wall…
I just saw a news headline about an unidentified man found beaten, naked, and unconscious in the park. The report described the man as overweight, unattractive, with a very small penis. ….So anyway, I just called to see if you were okay. Call me back to check-in, worried about you.
Two men in a park. A creepy guy walks up to another man in a park. Creepy guy leans close to the man and whispers “do you have any naked photos of your wife?” The man angrily says “certainly not”. Creepy guy says “would you like to buy some?”
What do you call… …a man in a bush?Russel!…a man in a lake?Bob!…a man with a car on his head?Jack!…a man with a spade in his head?Doug!…a man without a spade in his head?Douglas!…a man with a toilet on his head?Lou!… read more
A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly. The barman says “That was quick!””You’d drink them quickly if you had what I had…” replies the man.”Ohh, what’s that?” said the barman sympathetically.The man answers “no money.”
(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park. Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”Translation – “Big? Thanks!”
At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, “State your name, occupation, and the charge.”The defendant said, “I’m Sparks, I’m an electrician, charged with battery.”The judge winced and said, “Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!”
A man walked onto a plane, holding a vulture. The stewardess asked “What the heck is that?”He said “It’s my carri-on luggage”*sorry sorry sorry*
A reporter asks a man traveling across Asia on foot how he got from Iraq to Pakistan so quickly. “Iran”
A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later, he received this letter: Most Honorable Sir,You leave house, he come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see.No fee,Chen Lee
Motel A man checks into a motel. He asks for a queen bed and non smoking. The lady at the desk asks if he has any special requests. The man requests that the porn be disabled. The woman yells at the man “you sick bastard! We only have regular porn here!”
Heard this ADhD joke a while back. A man walks into a bar with a penguin and a foul-mouthed parrot and somehow wins a bet or something. Sorry, I guess I wasn’t really paying attention.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs boiling in a pot of water? Stew
A man went to jury duty. During a break in deliberations he and a female juror he had been flirting with snuck into the coat closet and she started giving him head. Someone knocked on the door, startling him, and he knocked himself out cold on the closet shelf. When the jury filed back into the courtroom, the judge noticed one was missing. “What happened to my 12th juror?” The jury foreman replied, “Head in-jury your honor, but I hear he just came to.”
One side thinks it will end up like Judge Dredd, while the other side things it will be Demolition Man… But the truth is, we are The Expendables.
The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door. Saying “YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!”
To the man in the wheel chair who stole my camouflage jacket, You can hide but you cant run.
Best Man Speech “My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials, butshort enough to hold your attention.”
A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself. The man replies, “if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here.”
It’s Passover and a Jewish guy is eating his lunch in the park. A blind man sits down next to him, so the Jewish guy offers him some of his lunch—a piece of matzoh. The blind man takes it, fingers it a moment, and says, “Who writes this crap?”
An old man dies and wakes up in a strange ethereal world. The first thing he sees is another old man with a curvaceous young lady on his lap. ‘This must be heaven!’ he exclaims, ‘Is she your reward?’‘No,’ replies the other old man, ‘We’re in hell and I’m her punishment!’
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You’ll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
Cop: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: Wait! I can explain everything!
Ladies please stop asking Santa for the perfect man That fella has tried to kidnap me 4 times this week
Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.
An old man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked “Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?” Yes of course, said the doctor, why not! “Oh How nice it would be, I have been illiterate for so long” replied the old man with joy.
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? The first is a super hero, the other is simply a command. PS: It’s a joke, women are awesome.
So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he’s shocked to find everyone speaking Russian… Whoops, wrong sub.
A man was admitted to the hospital today with 20 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum. Doctors have described his condition as stable.
A man called the wrong number… “I believe you have the wrong number,” said the old gentleman into the phone. “You’ll have to call the weather bureau for that information.” “Who was that?” his young wife asked. “Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear.”
A man lost his tongue in an accident. He was most upset that he could no longer enjoy his food, so he searched for a surgeon that would do a transplant. Finally he found an organ doner and paid $25k for the procedure… …later, he had to admit that the new tongue wasn’t the same as before, but still it was an acquired taste.
What does a stoner do when he sees a space man? He parks in it, man.
A Scottish man walks into a bakery and says “excuse me, is that a doughnut or a meringue?” To which the baker replies “No you’re right enough it’s a doughnut”
As i walk in the local shopping mall, a woman comes walking towards me She asks me: “sir, do you have a moment for animal abuse?” As the good man I am, I say: “of course, madam.” So i walked to the nearest dog and kicked it like a football. Apparently that was not what she meant…
What’s the difference between a man’s wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man’s apartment, the officer found the man’s bag at the bottom of the stairwell.It was a brief case.
A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse. “Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?” “I was thinking about my own funeral” the man replied. “What’s so funny about that?” “I’m a gynecologist.”
Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.
Once a man was lying on the beach wearing nothing but a hat on his crotch. Then a lady came by her and said, “If you were a gentleman you would have lifted your hat to a lady.”Then he replies “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”
An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.
A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets He was arrested for attempted murder.
Man walks into a library … says to the librarian in a loud voice, ‘please can I have fish chips and mushy peas twice’. The librarian says ‘this is a library’. The man apologies and whispers ‘sorry, Please can I have fish chips and mushy pease twice’.
After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more. The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.
What did one nail technician say to the other after a customer walked out over a $1 price increase? Man, he petty
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day Teach a man to fish and he’ll colonize your land.
Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
What do you call the ejaculate of a Russian Space-man? Cosmonut
Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: No, but that’s cool man, you hum a few bars and I’ll fake it. A: Two hundred and twenty. One to hold the bulbTwo to turn the ladderSeventeen on the guest list.200 to say their mate is on the guest list and they are their plus one.
Monica Lewinsky walks into a dry cleaner She tells the man behind the counter that she has a dress that needs laundered. The hard-of-hearing man responds with “come again?” Ms. Lewinsky replies with “No, just mayonnaise this time.”
My 8-year-old’s newest joke: What did the one-legged man with OCD say when he opened the closet? “Hi, jean!”
An elderly couple go to the doctors. The doctor says to the man ‘I need a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample.’The old man, a little hard of hearing, says ‘What did you say?’The lady leans in to her husband and says ‘He says he wants to see your underpants.’
A man gets a job at a computer store that sells food shaped computers. He was fired for trying to take a byte.
A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, ‘What do you want?’ The man says, ‘Oh, just some fruit punch.’ The bartender sighs and shakes his head, ‘If you want punch, you’re gonna have to wait in line.’ The man looks around, but there is no punchline.
A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard. He called his wife about it.”Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!” He said.”Oh my God, are you okay?” His wife asked.”Yes, I have it under CTRL.”
Iron-man and Silver Surfer are teaming up The are alloys now.
So a man watches TV heen suddenly the bell rings… The man opens the door and sees a random snail sitting naar the front door. He throws the snail away and goes on watching TV.Three years later the door bell rings again and the man opens the door. He sees the snail Again and the snail says: “Dude was that necessary?”.
I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!
My son asked me: “would you sell me for a million dollars?!?” I said “never in a million billion years!!”He asked “what about 2 million”I said “are you kidding me?!? In this economy? Sorry little man”
The police recently arrested a man selling “secret formula” tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..
In recent news, a man who was charged with impersonating a hay stack Has been bailed
You’re traveling along the Oregon trail and you meet a man named Terry. One of your party members says, “I thought Terry was a woman’s name.”That party member immediately dies.What did they die from? Dysentery
A man with dwarfism walked out of the wig store after haggling for a good deal. It was a small price toupee’.
A fisherman catches a shark. As soon as he pulls him up the shark starts yelling, “Wait wait wait… I’m a magic shark, I can grant you wishes if you let me go.” “Alright,” says the man, “I want my penis to reach the floor”. So the shark ate his legs.
When I was visiting Ireland, I saw a man in a prison jumper running through the street with a police officer chasing him. The officer caught up to him and grabbed him by the wrist, but then the man’s hand fell off and he got away. I saw a real Irish leper con.
I just finished my latest underground movie. It’s about a young man who rides a motorcycle naked across America’s roughest roads. I call it “Uneasy Rider”.
I hope this joke isn’t as bad as I’d think it is… it’s my first one. Hey did you hear about Jim?No, Why? I heard his septic burst.Oh I see…Yea man must have been a pretty crappy thing to happen…
“Tie me up.” One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went golfing.
“What did one snowman say to the other snow man? Do you smell carrot? “
A man who recogizes his mistakes when wrong is wise. A man that recognizes his mistake when he is right is… Married.
I’m Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.
An 80 year old man walks into the doctor’s office After the examination, the doctor says: “Sir, you have to give blood, feces, urine and if possible sperm for tests.” The man replied: “Well, doctor, I’m in a bit of a hurry, will it be okay if I just left my underpants?”
Middle-aged man looking for companion. If you’re looking for honest relationship please call this number. If my wife answers, just hang-up
A policeman sees a beat-up man lying on the street He asks: ,,Were you assaulted?”,,Yeah, I was.”,,Can you tell me what the assailant looked like?”,,Yes, I told him that right before he punched me.”
Two cows walk into a barn “man i hate this farm”, said the first one.”mood”, mooed the second cow.
My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is cool but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I’m horrified.
Why did the half blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
Once a man a was shouting at Times square ” The president is an Idiot” “The president is an Idiot” he yelled You can’t defame the president, a cop arrested him”Hey I didn’t say ‘our’ president, I was talking about China” Cop replied “Shut up we know exactly which president is an Idiot”
Hutterite Jokes How did the Hutterite man find his daughter in the woods?Quite satisfyingWhat do you call the sweat between two hutterites having sex?relative humidity
What did the cockroach say to the man who wanted to squash it? “You are just jealous, because I can make your wife scream louder than you can”
I ran into a dwarf today with my shopping cart. I said “Oh man, are you okay?!” He said “I’m not happy!” I said “Well which one are ya then?!”
A man got cooled to absolute zero temperature. Last heard, he’s 0K now.
A man is walking through the woods and comes across a talking frog … “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a princess,” the frog tells him.The man picks the frog up and puts her in his pocket.”Wait, wait, aren’t you going to kiss me?” asks the frog. “I’m a princess!”The man shrugs. “I’d rather have a talking frog.”
A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald’s Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
A policeman arrives at the crime scene “Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?””Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn’t see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan.””How do you know that?””He told me as he was running off.”
A man was arrested for having 5 pounds of cocaine stashed in boxes of Lucky Charms. The police found the whole ordeal as “magically suspicious”.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He’s fully recovered.
A bull was sent to prison for violently running into a man and killing him Guilty as charged
A guy goes to the doctor for his physical. The doctor says to him, “Well, for starters, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” The guy asks, “Why?”And the doctor replies, “Because Good God, man! I’m trying to give you your physical!”Obligatory Cake Day post. Thank you.
Q: What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? A: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
In an effort to play every famous person in the world, Tom Hanks has taken a new role In his ongoing effort to play every white man of any worthy note, Tom Hanks has be cast as Tom Hanks in his upcoming biopic
BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar He got twelve months
NSFW There once lived a man from Nantucket Who decided one day to say “Fuck it.”He climbed up to the top,Fell down with a hop,And that’s how he kicked the bucket.
A man is sipping on his coffee at a cafe He needs to visit bathroom. He doesn’t want anyone to steal&drink his coffee during his absence so he leaves a sign on a cup that says: “I’ve spit in it”.He goes to the bathroom and comes back to find another sign on his coffee that says: “Me too”
What’s the difference between a man in plain clothes riding a unicycle and a man in a tuxedo riding a bike? Attire
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet’s land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out. All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.
In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man: *This body is your mother in law, yes?***Yes***How did she die?***Mushroom poisoning***But why does she have 26 stab wounds?***She was refusing to eat them**
A man was arrested after running a red light and hitting a Chinese food delivery car. He is charged with careless driving and wonton destruction.
One day, a man ran through Red Square in Moscow, shouting at the top of his lungs, “Khrushchev is a fool!” He was subsequently arrested for revealing state secrets.
My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!! Man, that sentence was way too long.
A man walks through the forest with his granddaughter in late May. She spots some berries and asks what they are.„That’s blueberries“, he says.„But they’re red, grampa!“„That’s because they’re still green“
My mother always said that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. She was a lovely and generous woman, but a terrible surgeon.
Man: Hello, can someone help me? My house is burning down! Mrs. Doubtfire: Sorry Sir, I don’t believe you.
Hotel Porn I’m a modest man. I checked into my hotel recently and told the lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” She replied, “No, it’s regular-people porn, you sick bastard!”
Ja man, down in da islands, what de call de dew in de morning? Daylight cum(Hope I did OK transliterating the Jamaican accent.)
Why did the invisible man turn down his job? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
A man was locked in a room with nothing but a calendar and a bed. How does he survive? He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs of the bed.
If you’re still in the mood for snail jokes: A man goes to a Halloween party with a woman on his back. The host asks him, “And what are you?” The man says “I’m a snail.” The host says, “And who’s that on your back?” and the man says, “That’s Michelle!”
What did the snowman say to the hipster? Man, I thought I was white
“Cop: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.” Man: “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it
The man who invented Tetris died. They buried him and the whole cemetery disappeared.
What kind of work do you do?’ a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment. ‘I’m a Naval surgeon,’ he replies. My word!’ spluttered the woman, ‘How you doctors specialise these days.’
A man was in a cafe He took one sip of the coffee, and grimaced.Walking to the barista, he asked why it tasted so bad.The barista shrugged, and told him “well, it was ground this morning!”
What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn’t hold down the pillow long enough.
What do you call a man born on the seashore? Son of a beach
Man: “I’ve always had this absurd feeling that I’m a cartoon character” Psychologist: “That’s a rather unusual mental state… How long have you felt this way?”Man: “Ever since I was an outline…”
Today i asked myself the question: Do I identify myself as a man or a woman. But then I knew after I spilled my coffee, I am just a disappointment.
How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning? He was a good conductor.
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.’
What type of instrument does an English man play? The UK-Lele
No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust” The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil… I asked him I asked him “Are you the friar?”He replied “No, I’m the chip monk…”
A man goes to the grocery store and buys a banana, three peaches, and two pears. As the cashier scans his food, she looks at it all and says “You must be single.”The man smiles and says “Yeah, how did you know?””Oh,” she says, “Because you’re ugly.”
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. “Is this good for wasps?” he asks the assistant.To which she replies “No, it kills them.”
A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room.
The Horny Crab Two men are talking:”I’m a kind of horny crab” the first man gasps.”what do you mean” asks the other one.”I can’t get out of Michelle”.
What do you call a Irish man bouncing off the walls? Rick O Shea
A man came up to me and said “Man, your clothes look gay”. I said “I know, they came out of the closet this morning”.
Man: Hello, is this hotel manager speaking? Manager: Yes. What happened Sir?Man: My wife is arguing with me and saying that she will jump out of the window.Manger : Sorry Sir, this is your personal issue, we cannot help.Man: I know, I know but I want help because the window is not opening.
What’s the difference between a Pakistani elementary school and an Al-qaeda outpost? I dunno man I just fly the drone.
A man went to the doctor. He had a cucumber in one ear. A hot dog in the other ear. And two carrots stuck up his nose. He asked the doctor what was wrong with him and the doctor said: “I don’t think you’re eating properly.”
A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

Conclusion

Well, there you have it, folks—our manly parade of pun-derful dad jokes! We hope these groan-inducing one-liners about men have given you plenty of ammunition for your next family dinner, office meeting, or whenever you feel the urge to make someone simultaneously laugh and cringe.

Remember, the true power of a dad joke isn’t measured by how funny it is, but by how many eye-rolls it generates.

The more groans you hear, the more successful your joke delivery! That’s the unspoken man-code of dad humor—the worse it is, the better it actually is.

Did we miss any of your favorite man-themed dad jokes? Do you have an original zinger that deserves to join our collection? Share your best (or worst) dad jokes in the comments below! And don’t forget to bookmark this page for those moments when you need a quick laugh or want to torture your loved ones with some quality man-centric humor.

Now go forth and spread the dad joke gospel—because real men aren’t afraid to tell a corny joke!

Man Oh Man! 50 Dad Jokes About Men That Are Painfully Funny

Introduction

Man Jokes List

Conclusion

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